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What To Do With A Large Rack (And I'm not talking about weights)

Posted Dec 21 2009 3:07pm

(Dear Dad, you are going to want to stop reading here. Seriously. Actually all men will probably want to skip this one.)

Now that Jon and Kate are finally divorced (the 8 went with Kate - I'm guessing the Judge was a Dr. Suess fan), the country can now focus its collective attention on more important matters. Like my boobs. That's right, I just told everyone to stare at my chest. Being a very modest person I'd normally never say such a thing except that a) I need advice and b) I feel like everyone pretty much is anyhow.

Having lived 90% of my life having nothing even glance-worthy much less stareable on the top half of my body, I always find myself in an odd place when I'm nursing. See, when you're pregnant your knockers get humongous but nobody pays them much mind because your tummy is getting all the attention with its crazy limb-producing shenanigans. But now that my stomach has downgraded to Deflated Sharpei, my new rack has taken center stage. And it is formidable.

On one hand - or two hands rather as that is what Gym Buddy Lisseth used to feel me up as she exclaimed at the top of her lungs, "Boobs look good on you!" (something only one of the female Gym Buddies can get away with) - it is awesome to finally have some curves. And since, as we've previously discussed, my hips are here to stay for the milking duration, it's kinda nice to have some jugs - in the literal dairy sense - to balance out my bottom half.

The problem is that I am not used to being big chested. I am learning that there are things a girl has to do to wrangle those doggies. How do you normally well-endowed women do it?! For instance, a cute Nike top that looked perfectly decent pre-baby made quite a spectacle in my TurboKick class. The modest v-neck had somehow mutated to a va-va-voom v-neck, something I had failed to notice as I hadn't bothered to jump up and down in front of a mirror before leaving the house. (Note to self: in the future always jump up and down in front of a mirror before going out in public.) It only took about 5 seconds into the warm up before I was wishing sports bras came in turtleneck styles. (A sports-bra Dickie!) There was much tugging and adjusting, not to mention a near miss with a black eye. I think I'm sticking with t-shirts from here on out.

Another big-boob consideration besides the slutification of every top you own (and also the front hem is annoyingly two inches shorter than the back) is the sports bra problem. As any woman will tell you, an a-cup chest can get away with wearing crappy-but-oh-so-adorable sports bras but anything bigger needs more than a $10 Target bra. One technique is to double-bag, layering one (or more) bras over the other until maximum compression is achieved. This can work but it's not terribly comfortable especially on your shoulders, not to mention the added laundry. Your other alternative is to just hold 'em down with your hands - you laugh but I have seen more than one female Gym Buddy use this technique.

Enter KAOS Technical Clothing Systems to the rescue with their superhero sports bra! They offered to let me test drive their new RFI sport bra* and I figured my girls could definitely give it a run for its money. Sadly the running part didn't go so well. While the bra held up great during my 30-minute leg blasting circuit (more on that workout to come!) it let me down (hee!) on my run. Thanks to the smart placement of the seams on the shoulder straps - on your back rather than right on the top of your shoulder - it is the perfect lifting bra. Doesn't dig in at all no matter how many barbells you balance across your shoulders. (Ha - listen to me talk! In my case it was barbell, singular.) But to get the support I needed for my laps around the track, I would still need to double-bag.

What to do? I have heard from large-chested girlfriends that the Enell is the go-to sports bra. While it is about as ugly as they come - I'm pretty sure this is what my Grandma wore in the 40's (shiny!) - it definitely looks as if it knows its way around a jiggly part. It's the school marm of bras, strict but effective. It's also $64.00. That's a big chunk of change for a girl who once bought 3 sports bras on clearance for $2. It might be worth the money if I were planning on spending the rest of my life lactating but as soon as the Jelly Bean weans, well, let's just say I won't be needing the Enell anymore.

So ladies help me out! What's your sports bra solution? What shirt do you wear to keep your PiYo from going porno? Anyone else seriously irritated by the shoulder seams in sports bras? And how many times can you write the word bra before it starts looking funny and you can't remember how to spell it anymore?

*Legal stuff: KAOS sent me a free bra to try out. I was not paid by them or any other company for this post. Nor do I have any relationship with Enell.
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