I've been away from my journal here for a few days... just stuff going on, things rattling around in my head... and the other night I had a dream, well more like a nightmare that I just can't get out of my head. Gosh I am 44 and I think at this stage dreams/nightmares should not distract me like this but this one has...
I can recall being a kid and having a bad dream about snakes (and I like snakes they do not bother me at all) but I'd have this dream about thousands of snakes all around me... I'd wake up scared to death to move for fear there were snakes on my floor...again I always found this odd because I am not afraid of snakes... I mean do I want thousands of them crawling on me... NO... but I used to babysit for a couple that were snake lovers and I'd take out their huge boa and hold him... I will pick up a gartner snake... but man when I'd have this dream I was paralyzed with fear and would just lay perfectly still in my bed.
Sunday night (and yes here it is Wed and this is still bothering me) but Sunday night I had a dream I was dying and in my dream I was fighting dying because I was not sure (in my dream) if I was going to heaven or hell.
So if you can recall the movie Ghost (RIP Patrick Swayze) and the sound effects when one of the bad ones died and that sound effect of them coming out of their body and the black ghosts coming to take their soul.... that was happening in my dream... but in my dream I could stop the process and go back, but it was at that moment that I woke up... and I woke up scared to death, shaking, sweating and apparently so much so I woke up Matt... I didn't want to keep him awake so I didn't talk about it only said I had a bad dream... I tried to snuggle in the comfort of his arms but as soon as I started to drift off and get to dream sleep... that same spot in my nightmare where I am dying and trying to fight it came back to me - needless to say.. I didn't sleep well AT ALL! and this darn subconscious event is still weighing on my mind 3 days later...
I don't know what any of this means... but I do know that somehow in some fashion dreams are a glimpse of our waking lives in our subconscious minds... so do I think I am going to hell if I die today??? do I think a friend in my life might be going to hell if they died today??? could this nightmare have stemmed from some of my reading in Genesis??? or some discussion Matt and I had??? could it be I feel I am failing (dying) at trying to be a step mom to Trevor??? is there a part of my waking life I feel is dying because of my new life and the changes???
OR.... does any of this really mean anything???
and I won't even discuss my dreams of last night... while definitely more pleasant... they were not PG and where the heck did that come from????