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Dear Blue Jeans Companies: I Did Not Deserve This [Why I hate wearing jeans]

Posted Aug 26 2012 9:08pm

Dear Jeans Manufacturers,

There I was, getting ready to go to a friend’s house (to eat coconut milk ice cream and watch Craigslist Joe , if you must know, and yes, I totally recommend both – sooo fun!) but before I could even get my primp on I ran into a snag. Bigger than a snag, actually. This happened:

I loved grunge as much as the next girl (er, grrrl) but this is not the right way to do distressed denim.

How did this happen exactly? I put on my fave pair of trouser jeans — so cute with or without heels! Can be dressed up or dressed down! Love the wash! — and when I squatted down to pick up my belt off the floor I felt a rip. An earthquake, really. Basically I Incredible-Hulked my jeans.

Upside: It does make this easier. Maybe I should rip the butt out of all my pants.

My first thought was sadness. I lost a beloved pair of jeans! And then my sadness turned inward. Stupid “athletic” thighs! Why do you always have to go and ruin perfectly good fashion?! I need to lose 10 pounds, stat! But then I got angry because you know what? My thighs are awesome. Yeah, they’re bigger than what your sizing charts say they should be but you should see me jump a plyo box! Or check out my killer roundhouse! And did you know I can squat with a full range of motion? On a Bosu! With weights! And four kids hanging off me! And spinning plates on the top of my head! (Okay, not the plates!)

So guess what, jeans companies: it’s not me that’s the problem, it’s you.

Why do you have to make me so disproportionate? My strong legs are too big for a “slim fit” but my waist is too small to go up a size. There is a 2-3 size difference between my waist and my thighs. And I know y’all think you solved this problem when you invented curvy jeans but all “curvy” girls are not created identically and while I’ve got more thighs than a bucket of chicken, I don’t have much of a butt (despite hundreds of lunges). I’m also entertained that your definition of “athletic” (as evidenced by countless magazine articls and fit tips) is “straight up and down” (i.e. no waist, no butt, no hips, no legs). Certainly those women can be athletic but athletes come in all shapes and sizes. Although I am glad you stopped calling that body type “boy shaped” because that was just ridic. Maybe we should just go back to the fruit bowl? Hi apple, I’m a pear.

So many fits! And not one that fits me! I find it hard to believe I am the only one in this boat.

Do you know what you’ve left me with Jeans Manufacturers? The denim demon PAJAMA JEANS. (Hold me.)

I’m a girl with style darnnit. I deserve better than cheap leggings with a seam and pockets printed on them Polly-Pocket style. I deserve better than 97% lycra. I deserve to feel strong  AND confident AND sexy in my jeans. Oh, and I deserve to be able to squat down to pick something up without literally tearing the butt out of my pants. I do not deserve this:

And no I will not be repurposing them into some daisy dukes. Although if you want to , you’re welcome to them!

(You’ll notice that it’s only the right side. It’s a quarter inch bigger. I don’t know why. But this illustrates what a difference 0.25 can make!) While this is the first time I’ve ever split my own pants, this is certainly not the only time I’ve worn ill-fitting jeans. In fact, I daresay I do not own a single pair of jeans that I would say fit me at least 90% well. (While I’m complaining, please ditch low-rise. I need way more than 3 inches between gut and glory.)

Now don’t you try and shame me with ultra-thin models whose thighs never touch and are exactly the same circumference at the top as they are at the bottom*. I’m on to your photoshop. Plus – haven’t you heard? – butt and thigh fat (or “gluteofemoral fat”) is an indicator of good health. And the more the merrier! In fact, having extra padding down there protects us girls from cardiovascular disease and diabetes, not to mention having smarter babies. Don’t believe me? Here’s the  latest conclusions from researchers from Oxford university:

“Population studies show that an increased gluteofemoral fat mass is independently associated with a protective lipid and glucose profile, as well as a decrease in cardiovascular and metabolic risk. Studies of adipose tissue physiology in vitro and in vivo confirm distinct properties of the gluteofemoral fat depot with regards to lipolysis and fatty acid uptake: in day-to-day metabolism it appears to be more passive than the abdominal depot and it exerts its protective properties by long-term fatty acid storage. Further, a beneficial adipokine profile is associated with gluteofemoral fat. Leptin and adiponectin levels are positively associated with gluteofemoral fat while the level of inflammatory cytokines is negatively associated. Finally, loss of gluteofemoral fat, as observed in Cushing’s syndrome and lipodystrophy is associated with an increased metabolic and cardiovascular risk.” [Emphasis mine]


So are you telling me you want me to die young, Jeans Companies? Because I would think it would be better for your bottom (heh) line to keep customers around as long as possible. And the lengths I’d have to go to to take the dictated-by-you 3 inches off each thigh probably would kill me.

I get it. I have a body built for skirts. You should see me rock the heck out of a pencil skirt:

How do you like my thighs now, eh? 

But every once in a while I get the yen to sit without having to worry about going all Sharon Stone at the playground or be able to ride my bike without my skirt blowing up over my head or be able to, you know, live in Minnesota without getting an ice enema during the winter.

I’m not writing you to ask for my money back – I’m asking for my life back. I’m sick of caring about how “huge” my thighs are and honestly the only time they really bother me is when I’m wearing jeans. And this is why I live in skirts or workout leggings. Get your act together please.



Has anyone else ever ripped the butt out of their pants on accident? (Thankfully I was at home when it happened so I don’t have to add it to my rapidly growing list of embarrassing moments!) Do you have any jeans recommendations for me? Were you surprised to learn that butt/hip/thigh fat is actually GOOD for women?

*I’m not slamming naturally thin girls. I’m just saying that I’m not one of them and therefore shouldn’t be held to the same sizing charts as they are.

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