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August's Great Fitness Experiment: The Experiment I Said I'd Never Do.

Posted Jul 31 2010 11:28am

I said I'd never do it. (Of course, I also said I wasn't blogging anymore and apparently that means a one-month hiatus to my chatty self. I'm baaack. I don't know how frequently but I have to have somewhere to post the pictures you KNOW I'm going to take during my CIRCUS AERIAL CLASS next Tuesday!!) "It's too cold," I said. "It's too naked," I said. "I don't want to do an Experiment that requires aggressive bikini-line maintenance," I said. And before your mind goes to poles and lucite heels, I also said, "I hate breathing in that layer of wet chlorinated air and having to do my hair and having my skin dry out and..." I whine a lot.

For August's Great Fitness Experiment, the Gym Buddies and I are - oh yes - swimming. I would like to say this was not my idea. Gym Buddy Allison signed up to do her first Triathlon and in the spirit of helping her train, we are all going to be swimming with her. (Heaven knows I've made her do enough ridiculous Experiments that I owe her one.) Seeing as girlfriend already has quads that could snap a thighmaster - with Suzanne Sommers attached - she's ready for the bike and the run. The swim though?

None of the Gym Buddies, including myself, have swum a single lap in, oh, about 10 years. At first I had visions of 8th grade P.E. and veering wildly out of my lane until I collided with Jack-who-always-smelled-like-poo-even-in-the-water who then told me that I had "hit his special button" causing me to jump screaming out of the water before I could find out what his "special button" did. But then someone told me that in a Tri, you don't have to freestyle. (Why is it called Freestyle, when it is actually a very prescribed stroke? There is nothing free about it. Dog paddling - now that's "free style".) Apparently you can do whatever the heck it takes to get you out to the buoys and back without drowning or entangling yourself in all that nasty gunk that grows in the lakes here ("Crystal" Lake my heinie.)

Thanks to my parents who insisted that learning how to swim was a life skill, I know how to not drown. Between my still-adequate breast stroke and back stroke I know I can make it to one end and back again. Also, I hear they've invented these things called goggles that will help me not veer wildly across any lanes.

Plus: You get to pee in the lake. It's practically race-sanctioned behavior. If you don't do it, the fish will be disappointed. Now, Allison has not asked me to help her train for this particular part of her race but I want her to know that I am willing any time to go pee in the lake with her. Yes, we are that tight. Not to mention my kids will all want in on the action. (Which is a step up from the time my son peed on a PLASTIC tree in the middle of a packed amusement park because he didn't want to lose his place in line. Me? I pretended I didn't know him and strolled innocently in the other direction while grossed-out onlookers gasped "Where is his mother?!?!" In my defense, he'd already dropped trou and started peeing by the time I noticed his shenanigans so what was I to do? Cut him off midstream? Yeah, ok, that's not really a good defense.) Don't worry, I will not pee in the pool. I promise.

I've done a great job of convincing you that you want to do this one with us, haven't I? For those of you who want to play along at home, we will be doing this Fitness magazine aerobic/toning workout in the, ahem, leisure pool (doesn't that just scream pee?) at our Y every Monday. Wednesdays we will be swimming laps. To add a level of hilarity to our workout, the powers that be have decreed that only 1 lane is open for lap swimming every day. So all of us Gym Buddies will be sharing a lane (along with whatever regular we are horning in on). I see faces getting kicked. Lastly, we are going to go to a "Deep Water Power X" aerobic class that the girl at the front desk assured me is a real killer.

Who's in with me this month? Any of you done a tri? Any advice for all of us newbie swimmers? Any advice for Allison?

PS> Thanks to all of you who helped me decide what to wear for my big cover photo shoot! I ended up doing three different outfits - the pink jacket (with a white tank under & unzipped partially) combo, the blue v-neck tee and a green t-shirt that I bought that day in a fit of panic. The proofs all turned out WONDERFUL and I'll be posting some, along with more deets about the shoot shortly. I love you guys!!
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