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Attack of the Killer Shoes: Women everywhere are being maimed by their footwear [Is the solution found in the kiddie aisle?]

Posted Mar 14 2013 1:37am

James Devaney

Sarah Jessica Parker is the next step in evolution. Girlfriend recently confessed in an interview that her secret power is creating new bones. Like, inside herself and not in the form of a baby, dermoid cyst or alien experimentation! How’d did she get this magical talent? By murdering her feet with high heels. Naturally. Anyone who’s watched any fantasy movies knows that magic always comes with a price! “You don’t get something for nothing, dearie!” And in this case, her messed up bone structure in her feet comes courtesy of her ten years playing Mahnolo-obsessed Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. (Confession: I’ve never seen that show. Not even once. And yet I know all the characters’ names! Well, especially Charlotte’s. That one just sticks in my mind for some reason. So pretty!)

Sarah explained to Net-a-Porter,

“For ten or so years, I literally ran in heels. I worked 18-hour days and never took them off. I wore beautiful shoes, some better made than others, and never complained.”

“I went to a foot doctor and he said, ‘Your foot does things it shouldn’t be able to do. That bone there … you’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there.’”

“The moral of the story is, the chickens are coming home to roost. It’s sad, because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, ‘You know what, we’re really tired, can you just stop – and don’t put cheap shoes on us?’

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah! The moral of the story has nothing to do with chickens, honey! (Although it would be awesome if it did because the husband and I are dying to try our hand at chicken-raising!) No, the moral of this story is that sometimes we will go to extreme lengths to continue doing something we love, even when it’s hurting us. I relate to SJP, frankly. I am also a girl who loves heels and tutus. And some more heels.

Remember these?

greenshoes

Or these?

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Or these?

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And especially these?

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See. This is what I’m saying. I own a lot of heels and a lot of athletic shoes and pretty much nothing in between. (Flip flops are for the pool, people!) Up until recently my dual loves have not conflicted. That is until I got plantar fasciitis back in December. My first problem: I’m not even sure it is plantar fasciitis anymore. It comes and goes at the weirdest times, never hurts in the morning, only hurts on my heel and doesn’t feel better in shoes or taped. Any other ideas for me? Second problem: The physical therapist I saw about it, who really helped with the pain, told me I shouldn’t be wearing any shoe with a heel on it.

“Like… how much of a heel?” I asked as I pulled on my knee high black studded boots. The ones with three inch heels.

“Well those are bad,” he said pointedly. But it was snowing and I couldn’t very well hobble out to my car in my socks so I zipped them up. “No heels at all,” he continued.

“Until when?” I gasped. NONE of my dresses look good with flats I tell you!

“Ideally never. Those things are awful for your feet.” Then he saw the crushed look on my face. “At least don’t wear them until the pain is all healed?”

I have not been a good girl. While I stick to bare feet or athletic shoes (or snow boots) during the week, on Sundays when I get dolled up for church I’ve been sneaking on some heels. It’s only three hours! But, predictably, my pain is not getting better and is worse on Mondays. Lesson learned.

But that’s not the only shoe lesson I learned lately! And this one you’re going to love! (If just for the entertainment factor alone…)

Months ago, I saw a girl at the gym wearing the cutest athletic shoes I’ve ever seen in my life. They were white glow-in-the-dark sneaks with rainbow confetti sprinkles on them and crazy patterns on the plastic parts. It basically looked as if a unicorn had vomited all over her feet. I had to have them. But when I went online to find the Asics Gel Noosas they were completely sold out on every site. In every color. In every size. So I checked eBay. $225!! For a pair of shoes that retailed for half that. Apparently I wasn’t the only one in love. But my love is cheap so I passed.

In the meantime I’ve bided my time, hoarded my shoe coupons and waited for them to come back in stock. Finally, fed up with my bad luck, on a whim I checked out the kid’s section. And of course they were in stock! Kids have terrible taste! I should know, I have four of them! Who all dress like hobos!

But I definitely do not have child-sized feet. I wear an 8 or 8.5 in athletic shoes (7.5 in heels just in case someone missed my birthday) which is, I believe, the average shoe size for women. Still, I slipped my foot onto one of the kid size measuring tapes and discovered that apparently tween girls have huge feet! Hormones for the win! I bought a pair for $60 and have been having a shoe honeymoon ever since. It almost makes up for the loss of my high heels. And as far as I can tell there are no differences between the adult shoe and the child shoe other than the price tag.

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So I decided to write a post about how you should all try and wear children’s shoes now because it’s so much more frugal but I got a little carried away. At first it was just cheesy posing in the gym (with grandmas in parkas and sweat bands exercising in the background so you can appreciate the ambiance of my Y.)

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Look how cuuuute the Lisa Frank rainbow laces are! But then I decided that I needed to show you what the bottoms of the shoes look like. Could I just hold the shoe out and show you? No, of course not! First I tried this:

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You see it? It even matches the glow-in-the-dark hair tie I’m wearing!

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Speaking of glow-in-the-dark, Allison didn’t believe me that the outside strips glow and so I set about trying to prove it to her. It was like trying to kiss the outside of your elbow. It was an even funnier picture with her trying to see too. Sadly there wasn’t a third Gym Buddy to photograph that awesomeness.

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But now that Allison had seen me stick one leg behind my head she double-dog dared me that I couldn’t do two. Of course I can’t get both legs behind my head. Didn’t stop me from trying!

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Almost got it! And then this happened:

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Bonus: my skirt flipped up and that combined with Allison’s unmerciful camera angle make this my biggest butt shot ever! You’re welcome! I tried this half a dozen times, falling over every single one, until Allison (always trying to help me out, that girl) had the brilliant idea to back up against the wall so I couldn’t tip over.

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Voilà!

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And then I decided I should just keep it simple and show you a picture of the shoe and leave out the shenanigans. So… yeah.

Anyone else ever been injured by an article of clothing? Have any advice for me? What’s the strangest thing you fell in love at first sight with and had to have? And seriously – what’s up with the growing a new bone thing, is that legit? And if so, why have we not harnessed these powers for good?

 

 

 

 

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