I don't have it in me...to raise a special needs kid
Posted Jan 25 2009 5:29pm
I can remember reading all these poems about how strong, parents of special needs children are...how they are hand picked by God because of what great parents they are and because He knows only THEY have what it takes to raise these children...
And here I sit, not having what it takes, not having the strength...I am spent... I am exhausted. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired. I'm done. I want a normal life. I want to drive a car that doesn't have over 150,000 miles on it...but I can't because all my money will always go for medical bills. I want one holiday, one get together, one party, with out a melt down. I want my daughter to be able to have her friends over without her brother screaming outside her door the whole time... I want my kids to come home from school and tell me how wonderful their day was, and not have my heart broken every time because once again my child is crushed because he didn't get chosen.
I use to be so strong, I use to be one of those moms that could "do it all" now I don't have the energy to even get in the shower some days. I watched a show on survivors the other day, and what kind of people would live in a disaster, and I saw someone that I USE to be...but that person is gone, and it saddens me...I barely have enough energy to live anymore...much less carry the weight of an entire family on my shoulders too. Part of me wants to call it quits and put him in a home...although I would never do it, sometimes when I'm so exhausted I'm afraid I don't even have enough energy to love him. These are all the horrible things that we don't say out loud, but I've got to get out, and tomorrow I may feel better and may delete this whole thing...but right now I just need to ramble...I'm tired, I don't want to do this anymore. I want a normal life with normal children, I know life isn't easy but it can't be this hard, this is unbearable and inhuman for a mother to live like this.