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Afraid to fail...

Posted Aug 26 2008 4:41pm
...so I don't try. This has been a part of me that I have been trying to change. I feel it creeping back in right now, so I am hoping this post and the support of my running buddies will help me get past this. I didn't notice this pattern of mine until the past few years. I realized that I often give up before I have a chance to truly fail. It is easier to say I didn't try than to say that I tried and failed. In 9th grade, when I got my first A-, I stopped caring because I knew I wouldn't get valedictorian. When I ran cross country, I was not very good and my little sister was such a natural runner that I just casually jogged through races chatting with the back of the packers. I only ran one year and decided I wasn't good enough to try any harder. So, what made me start running again?

During college, I gained the "Freshman Fifteen and then some," so I ran and did other exercise to lose weight. I ran with friends, but never consistently. After I got married, Jeff and I ran a little together. I have always struggled with my weight, and running was the one thing that I could I could do to get back in shape. When I moved to Oregon 6 years ago, I heard about this little race called "Hood to Coast." :-) I thought it was one of the craziest things I had ever heard of. When I found out my work would be sponsoring a team, I signed right up! It would be six months after I had my first baby, and I thought that was the perfect amount of time to train. I lost the baby weight, felt great, and Hood to Coast was very interesting that year. Let's just say I don't recommend it when you are breastfeeding, ha ha! I ran it the next year just to have a different experience! After I had Emily, I needed a new goal, so I set my sights on the marathon. (Looking back, I should have started with a half marathon, but I never claim to do things the right way!) The training went awesome, and I am proud to say I only missed 1 day of training in 5 months, even with a newborn baby. The marathon didn't go as well as I planned, but for the first time I discovered I actually ENJOY running. I had finally reached the point where a 5 mile run felt just amazing. I finally called myself a "runner."

The next phase of running occurred when I found an awesome running group. These women, moms, and friends have truly inspired me and made me a better runner and a better person. That has been my favorite part of running- the friendships. Suzie and I became quick friends and as we started training for the Ogden Marathon, we began relying on each other for more than just running support. As a stay at home mom, I love the feeling of accomplishment I get after completing a goal. It seems like no matter how hard I try, there are things out of my control when it comes to the little kiddos. Whether or not I run is completely up to me and I love to have that checked off before they wake up. One of my favorite things to come home to is a quiet house with everyone asleep. I have cried, laughed, rejoiced and found peace on our runs. I look forward to more of this as I get more comfortable in my running again. Which leads me to now:

I am in a funk and I am trying to figure out how to get out of it. Running was going really well at first, but now it is just not as enjoyable for me. I feel every movement of my body, where I used to just feel free. I can see myself giving up hope for St. George, but I don't want it to be because I am afraid of failure. If my body is truly not ready for marathon training again, then I am okay with that. If it is just me giving up, then I am not okay with it. So, my question is, what should I do? I was not able to get in a long run this weekend due to circumstances I couldn't totally control. So, my first step is to go for a long run tomorrow morning. If I can do that it will be a huge accomplishment. I will report back. Thanks for listening. I hope this running bio wasn't a downer.



(Edited to add: Woo hoo!! I ran 8.25 miles this morning. (This was my long run for last week.) It wasn't easy, and I had to walk a little, but I did it! I think having an easier week last week might have helped. So, I am back in the game. Wish me luck! (By the way, I missed you this morning, Suz. I hope you are feeling okay. I am sure I will see you later.))
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