I feel like I say this every few weeks but it has been a little while since I have done a PTG (newbies, this means proud of, thankful for and goal!).
And in all honesty, it has been too long! I went from doing this nearly every day, obviously not on here but mentally or in my journals, and recently I have gotten lazy.
Laziness and recovery= BAD COMBINATION
But fortunately, today I have good news.
My PTG laziness has NOT translated into other aspects of my journey toward health.
Lately I have actually been blessed with a super awesome attitude! And for this I am both proud of, and thankful for (I know this is cheating, so I will totally do another “T).
My weight progress has stayed pretty consistent, nothing spectacular but its moving forward…but more importantly my outlook has been good.
Attitude has always been my downfall. I can gain weight with the best of them. When I think back to my hospitalizations I was the best patient ever (aside from a few melt downs about a piece of apple pie or a packet of butter…those are NOT my finer moments by any means) because I ate anything and everything they gave me, listened when the doctor increased, and increased, and increased my meal plans, even when it reached over 5,000!
Like I said, aside from a few meals or snacks where I wanted to act like a toddler and throw a fit right there a the table, I had one thing in mind…be compliant and get the hell out. <— I never said my motivation was pure
But lately I have been focusing way less on the food, calories and my expanding waist-line, and more on the things around me that are changing…all the wonderful things you get back when you just start to let go.
Anyway, I am giving myself a pat on the back for my positivity, because I have learned, that is 3/4 of any battle toward recovery, or getting through a tough time.
The mental exhaustion that has come from therapy, stepping outside my comfort zone, isolation and lack of effective coping-mechanisms, usually causes me to be ultra-lazy and a corner cutter, which is never ever good when you are trying to follow pretty strict recovery plans.
I wish there was a way I could pass my attitude through the screen because I would love if everyone could feel as good as I do, right this very second.
Plus, that might help me preserve the feeling, because if there is one thing I can say from past experiences, happy thoughts and recovery highs do not last forever. For now, I will celebrate my spirit and keep pushing forward. No one ever said this journey was short, but I have never heard anyone complain it was not worthwhile.
I mentioned that my focus, in the past week or so, was THANKFULLY NOT on the scale going up, but more on the other things I have gained from doing the right thing; the healthy thing.
What have I been lucky enough to uncover?
I have built some incredible physical and mental strength lately.
Less importantly, I am finally seeing some muscle definition again, which as an athlete has always been a great motivator for me! But more significantly, my internal and emotional strength has gotten pretty solid.
When I say emotional strength, six months ago this would have meant a lack of displaying emotion and making everyone think I was so tough and didn’t need support, sympathy or help.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG!
That is not the definition of emotional or internal strength AT ALL. I can tell you this from many years of believing so and getting absolutely no where.
You all know my familial situation lately, and the fact that my kids (one kid mainly) can be particularly testy at the most inopportune times. A year ago I would have let them walk all over me, ignored their belligerence and probably just stuffed it all inside thinking it was all my fault, the students hate me, and I am just a loser person.
No. Not anymore. This kid has a serious problem, within himself and at home. Nothing he does or says to me is my fault and I need to affirm to him that his behavior is completely inappropriate and address his insubordination ASAP so he doesn’t set an example for the rest of the class.
As far as my sister goes. She has, and will need a ton of support from her loved ones to get over such a devastating loss. I couldn’t be there for her before because I was too consumed with myself, and heaven forbid a doctor appointment, or her emotional breakdowns would occur when I needed to be on the damn treadmill.
I hate to admit this now, but I probably would have said anything I needed to to help her move on as quickly as possible and go right upstairs to my running machine. I feel so bad writing that, and thank goodness I am passed that stage. Now I am here to cry WITH her when she needs me, because it really was a horrible thing to happen, for all of us.
I am thankful for all my family members, obviously, but I have to tell you my marriage took the back burner far too many times in our lives when I was really sick and during recovery.
I lied so often just so I could get my fix, and I will never forget when he caught me at the gym, after I told him I had stopped running, going full speed ahead on the treadmill.
Looking at him, and the disappointment on his face through the glass window between us sank my heart, and yet I still continued to finish that mile. When we finally spoke to each other that day, he informed me that the treadmill to him was like me having an affair, because I put it ahead of OUR marriage, nearly every day. I didn’t have enough respect for him, or value for my health, to follow with medical orders and just walk, or abstain from exercise all together.
I couldn’t give up my morning runs to stay in bed with him, enjoy breakfast, or just to talk. I had to go as soon as I woke, and I had to stay for what ED deemed an appropriate amount of time.
And aside from these types of situations, our interactions diminished as my weight plummeted downward. We didn’t laugh like we used to. We didn’t participate in each other’s hobbies. We barely even touched, hugged, or spent time together. In the last few months, as he has started to trust me again, our relationship has improved, and I am so thankful to say it has been really great lately.
We are headed to Florida Wednesday, to visit one of our favorite vacation destinations, WALT DISNEY WORLD! We will be there to celebrate a be-lated wedding anniversary and participate in the Food and Wine Festival, as we have for the past three years.
I can’t wait to have 4 whole days of just us. A time where we can continue to grow as a couple, because I truly feel like we could be stronger as a result of such a long struggle.
I am thankful he has stood by me, because without him, I might be dead, and now, as he is my partner in the fight, we are both becoming better people, and creating a very special bond.
I have a ton more things I am thankful for, but maybe keeping them to myself right this very second, will inspire me to do a little more “PTG-ing,” and potentially even share them with all of you! But finally, my goals…
I want to continue the good path I am on right now.
I want to raise awareness to others who are struggling that even though you may have a bad week, day, hour, meal, it can and will get better. You have to get through that mucky stuff in order to find the surface, and I am not there yet, not by any means, but I am well on my way.
So, I WILL maintain my good attitude, and I will continue doing the right things I need, in order to regain health, because that is the ONLY way I can get my life back.
More specifically, I want to go to Florida this week with my head held high, nutrition goals in my suitcase (thank gosh for an appointment before I leave!) and the mind-set that I will participate in all fun, awesome, amazing, Disney Food and Wine Festival Events. I will create more wonderful memories, at the Happiest Place on Earth, rather than ones of sadness and disappointment.