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Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow?

Posted Oct 18 2008 1:22pm

Yesterday was ok. Food wasn't out of control. I ate well throughout the day with calories coming in just over 1500. A high day. Mostly because I had cheese, which also pushed my fat intake up. But my protein was at 100 gm. Since I also did a 45 minute workout with cardio, I'm not too worried about that calorie count.

This morning I got on the scale and the numbers are coming down. Not where I think they should be, but not as high as they were. I know the scale shouldn't dictate my life. And really, it doesn't. It just works as a jarring reminder that I need to be vigilant.

I admire the people who live without a scale. And I wish I was the kind of person who could just walk away from food. But I can't. I'm obsessed with it now at 170 pounds just like I was at 317. Only now I worry about eating the right kinds of foods in the right amounts instead of which drive-thru I'm going to hit next. And I am still prone to consuming mindlessly, stuffing calories--good or bad--into my mouth without thought, only emotion.

As I move into another year out from my RNY, I worry about becoming a of those people who gain back 20% or more of there body weight. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin when I put on even 4 pounds, what would I do with an extra 35 or 40?

And it's not just the WLS statistic that scares me. It's that any diet or eating modification plan is apt to fail. Do I have what it takes, inside of me right now, to be one of those long-term losers? And if I don't, how do I get it?

Seriously, I would do anything NOT to be fatter again. My quality of life has improved a gazillion percent and every incremental loss has made a difference in my health and my mobility. How bad to do I want it? Ihope, I really hope, I want it bad enough.

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