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worth writing? dunno.

Posted Jul 11 2008 7:10pm
I feel obligated to post. I watch the numbers on my site counter click higher, yet nothing has changed much on this page.



I've been busy. Doing mind and soul things. Living. Moving. Sunning. Crocheting. Even reading.



Avoiding labels, I call myself just me these days and try hard to not focus on what's been assigned: eating disordered, depressed, unemployed. States not self. And letting my self succumb to those states is going to make for a miserable life. I'm sick of misery. I think misery is the fear and anticipation of the worst, not even really the recognition of what might be bad at the moment. If I live in the present moment, there's not possibility of misery.



Now. Understanding the present moment. That phrase is tossed about easily. It's catchy. Intriguing. Sounds like it must be good. But understanding it, I'm finding, is a whole different game. I think we each have our own presence defined by our own time. For me, when I'm present, I feel the earth under my body and my mind connected to both. Right here and now. That's my understanding. That's my experience.



However. I fight those trips down memory lane and excursions into 'what if.' It's easy for me to think: a year ago I was...last week I...it's been three years since. If I always return to the past, how can I be happy here? And, conversely, if I'm always thinking next week...next job...next time...I'm going to miss out on now.



I know. Blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. But I'm learning that if I don't remind myself daily, I will forget. My life is my own version of the movie "50 First Dates." Nothing wrong with that. I'm just relieved that I finally figured it out. I don't have to be so surprised when I find myself back at the beginning, my mind blank. It's just where I start. At least I recognize this.
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