It is that time once again, where we come together as a blo-mmunity (blog-community, get it ) and inspire one another with our food favorites and treats. Thank you Jenn for creating such a fun way to break up the work week; I know I always look forward to finding new ideas and making some new friends!
But today’s WIAW is a little different for me. I do have one recipe to share, and you can catch up on one from the weekend that I have certainly enjoyed the past few days, but today is more about the things I am NOT eating because of irrational fears and distorted thoughts.
After yesterday, and my confession of the obsession about a measly bowl of baked oatmeal that I could potentially have a few days from now I got to thinking how many other foods I still keep on my “no-no” list.
The list is definitely much smaller than it used to be, and contains more categories rather than specific foods but lately it seems that although I am calorically meeting my meal plan, I really don’t step out of the “safe” food zone other than minor exceptions here or there.
I’ll give you an example.
RESTAURANT FOODS are pretty much all on my “bad” list. It is like torture for me to eat a meal outside my own kitchen. Granted I did a pretty good job with this on our recent vacation, in the past two weeks my restaurant anxiety has once again escalated.
After a bit of analysis I know why.
There are a few things going on in my life that I have absolutely no control of, but they are making me worry and panic because the outcomes could be not so pleasant (I will save them for another time since I already seem to be creating quite a long post!)
But because I am unable to manipulate those situations, or steer them in the direction I want them to go, I obsess over something I feel like I once could control…calories, food and what I do to my body.
But this is a double edged sword because my hunger is raging and is used to the meal plan I am on; meaning restriction is out of the question for more reasons than one, and my exercise is monitored pretty closely so the stress-relief I used to get from the treadmill is no longer there.
Instead of providing the comforts I once had by counting, measuring and physical activity, these things now just provoke more unease because I can’t control them as I did before.
On all fronts I feel like I am going nuts!!! So top that with restaurant outings, where my meals are prepared out of my site, I seriously feel like a crazed person.
Obviously this demonstrates that my present existence is not actually consumed by the fear of added butter, oil, cream, sugar, and all the other “bad” ingredients I have on my list of “never-ever” foods, but instead about CONTROL.
I cannot stand that I feel like my body is completely rioting against me with incessant hunger, 4:00 am breakfast on the weekends because I wake up starving, extreme fatigue, low T3 levels making me worry that I have ruined my metabolism forever. All of these things keep swirling in my head and are preventing me from moving forward, or essentially challenging myself. I mean I am having mental breakdowns about the calories in a banana for goodness sake and that is pretty darn ridiculous.
So on Monday, after he visited me at work for lunch and could tell my brain was completely “hamster-wheeling,” he asked what he could do to help. I just started to cry. I literally sat there, buried my face in his shoulder and bawled for like half an hour.
This is still pretty foreign to me; being blindsided by what seems like a never ending stream of tears, but when I could finally manage to speak I explained how I just feel so torn, exhausted and horrified of my future.
There are so many parts of me that want to get healthy and be rid of the obsession, health problems and fears, but another part that is still standing on the edge waiting to leap full force into recovery. I am really scared and I don’t necessarily know of what.
All I can say is I am scared of being judged, people not liking me (which for some silly reason I believe recovery=fat=people not liking me? Absolutely preposterous I know!)
But for now I am going to break out that old list I made when I was in treatment, of all the fear foods I have/had and cross them off one by one. As I said before, this is not totally about the food, but about letting go, and by getting out of the comfort of my kitchen, I am giving up control, little by little.
Recovery is not a sprint, remember. Baby steps are often best.
Ok so now that you have read my sob story, I do have to tell you about two things I made this week that are totally perfect for the recently frigid temperatures, and fall season!
These pumpkin softies are more like muffin tops in my opinion, but I love the texture, and they are perfect crumpled up over some plain greek yogurt, with a tiny drizzle of maple syrup. Or of course smeared with a bit of Trader Joe’s Salted Creamy Peanut Butter (my latest nut-butter obsession!)
Oh how I love you Pumpkin.
Anyway, I am a bit different than a lot of the other bloggers I read because I am totally a red meat girl. Sometimes my body CRAVES beef, and this was definitely one of those weeks.
When I was at the grocery store this weekend, passing the butchery, the perfect dinner hit me.
Before you x out of the screen because meatloaf may not sound super appealing to you, you have to look at this recipe with an open mind. It is totally simple, completely healthy, and tastes amazingly fantastic! My husband and I have eaten it on several occasions and he was actually thrilled when I told him it was on the menu for this week. So trust me, this is not your typical, dry, old-school loaf.
Not Your Momma’s Meat-Loaf
(Forgive the name but a lot of ketchup was needed to choke down the meatloaf of my past!)
2. In a large pan cook the onion until it becomes soft (about 5 minutes.) Add the garlic, salt and pepper and continue to sautee. Add Worcestershire sauce, chicken broth, and 1 tablespoons of ketchup…immediately transfer to a very large bowl.
3. Add meat, breadcrumbs, egg beaters and a dash of salt and pepper, mixing well.
4. Spray a loaf pan with some cooking spray and add the meat mixture making it into an even looking loaf. Brush it with the two remaining tablespoons of ketchup and put it in the oven for one hour.
5. Let the meatloaf rest for 5-10 minutes before cutting and serving.
I cannot wait to catch up on all your delicious eats!!