When I start to write a post, especially one that could be a sensitive issue for someone, or an annoying repeat of my constant struggles, I KNOW I am opening myself up to comments or e-mails that could be “negative.”
And while I have had some that really did hurt my feelings, I typically look at feedback from readers as really helpful.
On Tuesday morning I was reading a comment from my post about Chris Powell and his influence on an overweight woman who completely made over her life.
I mean, it was a SERIOUS transformation.
I made a statement that I wanted a Chris to help me because sometimes I just feel so lost.
Yes, I do want a Chris…that is a fact. BUT, as the commenter somewhat implied, it doesn’t always appear that I am ready to make such drastic alterations to my lifestyle; alterations that Jacki had to make in order to become a much more healthy, and whole individual.
Some days I am gung-ho about recovery; absolutely on board with devouring my favorite peanut butter, banana and honey sandwiches without a second thought, but most days are spent internally suffering because I feel like I don’t deserve any of the calories that touch my lips.
Getting well, as I mentioned last week, is a process of changing both behaviors and thoughts, and sometimes you really do have to “Just do it,” and talk out the difficulties afterward in order to prevent ED retaliation (or at least minimize it), but that is very much easier said than done and ED can be quite deceitful.
I was fooled again.
Are you sick of me writing that because I am absolutely sick of experiencing it.
Anyway, Ryan and I had a little chat last night, after a bit of a meltdown about my daily intake, and he voiced that I am not doing so well at transforming my beliefs about my body, food, or rituals. He then continued that this could probably be because I still have trouble deciphering what is an unhealthy thought or action when it comes to making my decisions, simply because this way of life is more natural to me than taking a huge glob of nut butter out of a jar and smearing it all over non-diet bread.
I know I discussed this last week so I won’t go into much more detail, but I thought this might be an interesting spin on What I Ate Wednesday….
I bring you WIAW: Breaking All The Rules
I am trying to single out things I do on a frequent basis, beliefs I have that are detrimental to this process, and eliminate them from my routine, but the first step is figuring out what the heck these things are.
Wouldn’t you know, one came up by no later than 6 a.m…
Food Rule #1: Your day must be structured the same way everyday….
Translation: If you had x amount of calories by lunch time yesterday, that is all you may have today. If this was your breakfast all week, then you may only have the equivalent to that this morning, etc., etc. etc.
This is ridiculous because some days your body requires more than others and some days you are hungry at different times.
I am working very hard on listening to my hunger cues (because as I have told you I am not your typical ED person who claims they lost them…I never did) and eating what my body craves regardless of the time on the clock or what was consumed previously, but that can be super hard!
Obviously I am a work in progress because I do not succeed at this all the time, but since my body has been on the Popchip craze again this week, I have had a bag out of the variety pack every single day when my stomach starts to rumble mid-morning.
I am so excited about this variety pack my mom sent me because some of the different flavors are insanely good!!! Like the BEST ever, good!
Please try the Jalapeno, Cheddar, Chili Lime, Thai Sweet Chili (OMG there are no words), and Sweet Potato, immediately.
Of course I still have love for the more “original flavors,” but honestly, those mentioned above are quite addicting.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Food Rule #2- Snacks are reserved ONLY for the morning and before bed.
This is actually a modified rule because before snacks were absolutely out of the question, but I wake up at a very early hour and typically eat lunch around noon so I can somewhat justify my a.m. snack attack.
I also enjoy something sweet to end my night, and I hate waking up at 2 ready to eat off my arm, so since every ED program in the world has a pre-bed snack, I have continued the tradition at home and most of the time I am fine with it.
BUT, yesterday, I got home STARVING after school, and knew we weren’t going out to dinner until later.
Coincidently I got this AWESOME multi-pack of Gnu Bars at my doorstep, and as I opened the box they were literally calling my name.
With flavors like Carrot Cake, Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Walnut, Blondie, Peanut Butter, Cinnamon Raisin, Orange Cranberry and Chocolate Brownie, how could they not?
So I looked at them for a while, heard my belly roar and decided they needed to be sampled.
I want to dance and be able to do fun things, which all require me gaining some weight, so if I want a Gnu Bar I am going to have it!
Not to mention these things have pretty stellar nutritional stats so they aren’t what we would call a guilt-food by any means.
After a few minutes of deliberation I had to go with the Blondie.
It was a bit smaller than Sweet Frog , with a few less choices, but Ryan and I were still very excited to see some delicious looking flavors. He opted for the Funfetti Cupcake variety (yes, I did say Funfetti Cupcake which is his all time favorite box-cake!) and I did my typical mixing of a few.
Now, I have never tried caramel before.
I didn’t think I would like it because I am typically a chocolate or vanilla fan, but when I saw Sea Salted Caramel Pretzel I had to try it.
I was actually bummed that wasn’t my entire bowl because it was like the best thing I ever tasted.
Apparently I do like caramel and when I saw this , one sale at the grocery store, with an additional 3 dollars off If you bought 12 single-serve ice creams, I had to get it.
Skinny Cow Caramel Cone Cups!
Ryan and I now have a freezer full of various flavors, but I am pretty much hooked on this.
It is still light ice-cream, I know, but it is certainly a step in the right direction from my gallon size Arctic Zero smoothie made with water.