Okay that’s not the most flattering picture of my face but I’m not a photoshop genius.
At my office, someone brings in snacks every Wednesday. Four people take turns (once a month) for four months then we switch people. Yesterday I needed to provide wonderful snacks to my hungry co-workers. After examining the budgeted limit ($25 for 30ish people), I ruled out buying bulk bagels, donuts, etc from restaurants because it’s expensive so I hit up Wal-mart. I decided to purchase mini bagels (pretzel, whole wheat, and plain), mini blueberry muffins, mini chocolate doughnut holes, butter, and cream cheese. Like a good girl, I watched my co-workers eat all my delicious food while I enjoyed my delivered breakfast and lunch. Towards the later afternoon, I could NOT stop obsessing about those stupid doughnut holes. It’s the time of the month where chocolate becomes medication. Finally I gave in and ate the two remaining doughnut holes.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH was my immediate reaction. I instantly started berating myself for being weak and reaffirming that I will never lose weight. I made myself feel like sh*t. So I started looking at the remaining bagels and muffins which I quickly moved into the kitchen for the rest of the office. On my way home, I just wanted to binge ie the whole I’ve already ruined my *diet* so why not just keep going. So I kept bribing myself:
You can binge but you have to workout first
You can binge but you have to shower and do your hair first
You can binge but you need to drink two glasses of water first
You can binge but you need to read first
And after the reading, the desire to binge dissipated. I ate my dinner when I got hungry, went to bed, and woke up feeling ah-mazing! Though I’ve talked myself out of binges, I’ve never eaten an extra 200 calories (yes, I checked the nutritional content) and kept myself from bingeing. Normally, I’m a once you pop, the fun don’t stop kinda gal. But this time, I stopped and I learned a lesson. I learned that I’m not dieting or restricting. I’m learning how to eat again. Maybe I didn’t physically need those doughnuts but emotionally, I kinda did and ya know what, occasionally that’s okay. I ate my two doughnut holes and stopped. I got my fill (even though I initially wanted more). Even when I stop abusing food as a emotional crutch, there will be times I overeat from a variety of reasons or eat two extra doughnut holes: this is “normal” eating not perfect never eating outside of my meal plan. Life’s frankly too short to not eat chocolate (enjoy it).