I will probably regret this later, but I feel this needs to be said. I’m very angry at the moment, so I will try to compose this as calmly as possible, but for the record, it may get ranty at times.
I’m really tired of getting anonymous messages, whether on here or on Tumblr, telling me that I need to stop blogging about my eating disorder. I understand that people get frustrated with me, especially because I’m the first to admit a lot of my eating disorder revolves around getting attention.
I understand that mixing “eating disorder” and “getting attention” is very taboo, especially because a lot of my behavior can fall under “wannarexia,” but it’s still a very real part of my eating disorder — yes — eating disorder.
I know I can minimize my eating disorder, both my physical symptoms and emotional ones, but just because I am very public with the ED (albeit anonymously), I’m sick. Maybe not as sick as others, but sick nonetheless.
I feel that blogging is an extension of my eating disorder behavior, just as eating at certain times or eating specific foods or taking laxatives or taking thinspo pictures or over-exercising is to others. It’s a symptom of my eating disorder, and even if I stopped that behavior, I would still have an eating disorder. I understand that the internet enables my eating disorder and keeps me stuck here, but I don’t blame the internet for it by any means, and my relapse began a year before I even gained a following on ANY site (wordpress, whyeat, tumblr, etc.)
And for the life of me, why do people feel the need to compare me to Scarlett (catherineofsiena/Disenchanted/BMI10)? I’ve been told that not only was she sicker than me, but that she had a bigger following than I did. I never asked to be compared to her, and it’s bad enough I ALREADY compared myself to her, and to have those insecurities validated by anonymous people online just really fucking sucks. I take personal responsibility for how I feel in regards to that, but just because she was “sicker” or a “more popular blogger” doesn’t mean I’m any less deserving of labeling myself with an eating disorder (or blogging about it).
I’m not some person who developed an eating disorder a year ago — I’ve had an eating disorder and disordered eating for eleven years; it just so happens that I was one of those who realized she could get attention for it. I know it’s an ugly side to my illness, but unless you knew what it was like growing up in a home where you were constantly praised (or belittled) for how you looked, attention is something I’ve always craved, even as a toddler.
I can never tell if these anonymous comments are out of contempt or concern, but at this point in time, I am really trying my best to manage what I say and post on here. I’ve taken down most of my pictures, I’m trying not to post deceiving images, I rarely am on Tumblr, and my posts on WhyEat are mostly in support to other people. I am abstaining from posting weight numbers, I’m trying to limit food and weight posts, but yes, I’m still going to continue blogging at this point.
If people are tired of reading about my eating disorder (or “disordered eating” as others would like to believe), then they are welcome to read Slone All Grown …or an ever better idea…they can just unsubscribe/unfollow me all together.