When you ask yourself the "what do I need to feel minimally safe" question from yesterday, I'm guessing you'll come up instantly with several hundred things you're sure you need to feel safe.
I purposefully phrased the question "what do I need to feel minimally safe?" (added the minimally for a specific reason).
Paws' comment is typical of what people tell me when they ask themselves this question- that they come up with stuff they need to feel safe and then it makes them look like a freak or a difficult person, and they worry people won't want to be around them (or in some cases people unfortunately do criticize, ridicule or avoid someone because of his/her needs).
There are two general things to think about here. Asking yourself the "what do I need" question has a couple of steps. When you initially ask, you'll probably get a landslide of a list of things you need. This initial response is often mostly a fear response, designed in part to make you "see" how ridiculous the whole idea of you going out is and that you "should just forget it and stay home." The "list of safety needs" overwhelms people and they feel paralyzed and unable to even think about going. Sadly, each time this happens the person's beliefs that she "isn't capable of functioning in life" and is a "lousy person" and a failure is reinforced.
Give yourself a minute or two to allow for the "fear based list" of safety needs to get itself all out there- it's a good idea to write the list down, because we can use that list for part two of the exercise. Once you've got the "fear based list" jotted down (and you've been gentle, compassionate and patient with yourselves about it!!!), have a second look at the list with this statement in mind: "I know all the things on this list feel crucial, but let's see which ones are truly absolutely necessary."
Divide the list into A, B and C categories- A equals things that just have to be in order for you to go out that night, B is things you'd really like and feel pretty darn nervous about, but when you honestly think about it you could be ok (anxious but ok) without them tonight and C equals things that you'd like to have in place but when you think about it, it's mostly the nervousness talking and those things aren't truly necessary for you to know or have in place for tonight.
Dividing the list into those 3 categories is the hardest thing! At first you'll think everything goes into the A category. But keep assessing- scrupulously honestly- and you'll find that the list really is categorizable. Don't be afraid to ask for help dividing it up- especially at the beginning it can be very hard to do.
And one final thought for now- it's always important to think about the kind of people we want to hang out with. My general philosophy is that I don't want friends who can't accept me as I really am, and I don't want friends I can't accept as they really are. According to that principle, if you run across someone who just can't understand that an "A category need" is for you to drive your own car and meet her at the coffee place, you might examine what this says about her, about the relationship itself and about whether you actually want to have this person as your friend.
When you ask yourself the "what do I need to feel minimally safe" question from yesterday, I'm guessing you'll come up instantly with several hundred things you're sure you need to feel safe.
I purposefully phrased the question "what do I need to feel minimally safe?" (added the minimally for a specific reason).
Paws' comment is typical of what people tell me when they ask themselves this question- that they come up with stuff they need to feel safe and then it makes them look like a freak or a difficult person, and they worry people won't want to be around them (or in some cases people unfortunately do criticize, ridicule or avoid someone because of his/her needs).
There are two general things to think about here. Asking yourself the "what do I need" question has a couple of steps. When you initially ask, you'll probably get a landslide of a list of things you need. This initial response is often mostly a fear response, designed in part to make you "see" how ridiculous the whole idea of you going out is and that you "should just forget it and stay home." The "list of safety needs" overwhelms people and they feel paralyzed and unable to even think about going. Sadly, each time this happens the person's beliefs that she "isn't capable of functioning in life" and is a "lousy person" and a failure is reinforced.
Give yourself a minute or two to allow for the "fear based list" of safety needs to get itself all out there- it's a good idea to write the list down, because we can use that list for part two of the exercise. Once you've got the "fear based list" jotted down (and you've been gentle, compassionate and patient with yourselves about it!!!), have a second look at the list with this statement in mind: "I know all the things on this list feel crucial, but let's see which ones are truly absolutely necessary."
Divide the list into A, B and C categories- A equals things that just have to be in order for you to go out that night, B is things you'd really like and feel pretty darn nervous about, but when you honestly think about it you could be ok (anxious but ok) without them tonight and C equals things that you'd like to have in place but when you think about it, it's mostly the nervousness talking and those things aren't truly necessary for you to know or have in place for tonight.
Dividing the list into those 3 categories is the hardest thing! At first you'll think everything goes into the A category. But keep assessing- scrupulously honestly- and you'll find that the list really is categorizable. Don't be afraid to ask for help dividing it up- especially at the beginning it can be very hard to do.
And one final thought for now- it's always important to think about the kind of people we want to hang out with. My general philosophy is that I don't want friends who can't accept me as I really am, and I don't want friends I can't accept as they really are. According to that principle, if you run across someone who just can't understand that an "A category need" is for you to drive your own car and meet her at the coffee place, you might examine what this says about her, about the relationship itself and about whether you actually want to have this person as your friend.