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Welcome to Emotion Central Station. Doors open to your left.

Posted Aug 26 2008 4:05pm
The fact that I'm hormonal notwithstanding, I've been an emotional basketcase these past few days.

Complete breakdown in Kohl's parking lot. Wailing and sobbing in my mom's car. I couldn't find a freaking pair of pants. All of the pants I had worn this spring didn't really fit very well, except for one pair of khakis. So I go and try on the same size only in black. They were suction-cupped to my ass. I try on the next size up. It's smaller than the first. I try on another pair, same size. They fit pretty well.

Then there were the jeans.

The Jean Fairy must have visited my closet and shrunk them. All two pair that I owned.

This did not bode well for a good mood.

Found jeans. Again, one size up from the pair that fit okay.

I think I'm going crazy at this point. Everything is "stretch" now, which means I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of finding something that fits just by looking. And so much for being comfortable in my size.

Ed then convinces me that my dietitian is lying about the fact that my weight has been stable. Of course I'm getting fat! She's just lying to be nice.

So I lose it. I'm frustrated from the lack of pants, frustrated because nothing fits right, and furious and terrified that I have gotten fat.

This, my friends, was not pretty. I sob my heart out to my therapist on the phone. I scream and swear at my mom for letting me get fat. I yell at clothing manufacturers. Then I made my mom drive me home where I fell asleep for a couple hours. I saved the day by suggesting that we go see the new Harry Potter movie. It was a nice 2 and a half hours of fun. And forgetting. At least a bit.

I don't like this, how these meltdowns happen out of the blue. It's like I'm muddling along just fine and then boom! I just fall to pieces.

I had been tired, doing a bunch of stuff for this fall, preparing readings and other course materials. Hormones. Anxiety. Bad anniversary coming up. And so on.

I know we're all emotional people deep down. I just wish I had a little bit more control over them. Could kind of say, "Not now, Carrie. This is not a convenient time to have a complete meltdown." And then lose it later, when I had time and space. Only life doesn't work that way.

I hate that.

Then again, all of these emotions spur creativity. I made jewelry tonight. Weeded the garden this afternoon- and was smart enough to use sunblock. Took some photos.

I only wish that my feelings could come in moderation. No, I have these ridiculous mood swings, which is not surprising given a strong family history of bipolar disorder.

I just want to learn how to live with it. Roll with it.
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