Its kind of weird because before I never cried, rarely got mad, and kind of kept to myself when any sort of feelings got uncomfortable, but now they just sort of emerge and I have trouble keeping them at bay.
After my snack the other night I had a bit of a freak out, put my head in my hands, knees to my chest, and just cried.
That is not normal in the non-ED world, and as I refused to talk to my husband, since to be honest, I didn’t really know what the hell was going through my mind; he just went upstairs and waited for me to come to bed to chat when I was ready.
No one likes to see their loved ones struggle, especially when there isn’t much they can say or do that will help, so I do feel bad when my family has to deal with these awkward times when I can’t really articulate why I am physically displaying emotions they aren’t used to.
The truth of the matter is, I think this is a good sign.
Using ED behaviors was a way for me to numb and suppress all the things I had inside. Typically when those coping strategies are taken away, the rawness is revealed and my true self starts to emerge. This tends to be a bit chaotic at first; almost like an explosion since I don’t really know the healthy way to express feelings that are so unfamiliar, BUT, what I explained to Ryan and what I have to keep in mind is that this is totally temporary.
I wont have mood swings like a pregnant lady forever…it is just until I form a healthy relationship and eliminate the negative thinking I used to relate with crying and anger, that everything will start to level out.
I look at it like my meal plan.
If you ever talk to someone who throws themselves into recovery and commits completely to eating what they are supposed to, their metabolisms can rev and appetite shoots through the roof.
When I was in the hospital and they actually started feeding me thousands of calories a day, despite the hefty portions at breakfast, I was always ready for lunch when it came around because my body thought I would soon starve it again so it needed to store up on nutrition.
Fortunately I was in a safe environment and had professionals around to support me as I truly believed my body was rebelling and providing some mean form of torture by WANTING the 6,000 calories it was consuming.
A good bit later, when I got home and my weight was MORE normal, the cravings kind of subsided and I ate meals similar to my husband.
The point is, our bodies know us pretty well.
It is absolutely natural for a person to HAVE and SHOW their feelings and is actually quite appropriate in many situations. That is just a difficult concept to grasp for someone who is obsessed with being in control of their lives, and when these uncommon tears and rage start coming, you kind of feel like the Hulk.
So similar to the scenario described with the food, emotional expression means a person is positively responding to the recovery process; no longer completely anesthetized to the world.
As soon as you start to acquire an “insane” desire for more food…as soon as the flood gates open or you start stamping your feet like a five-year old just because you are mad your husband asks you to have another serving….as soon as those things start to happen, you can rest assured you are on the right track.
Just don’t be like me in the past who starts experiencing these things and runs in the opposite direction, because I promise you are actually re-gaining the control over your life despite what ED tells you, and your support system will understand.
…Afterall, you are on your way to becoming the you they have wanted back all along, red-nose and screaming fits aside.