My blood sugar dropped so low yesterday at work I was afraid of passing out. And I don’t say that to brag, or to sound like a special little snowflake (I hate that term), but it lead to me to doing something I never would have done otherwise: accepted food from a coworker and ate it. It was that bad.
And although at first I felt it was self-care, after I immediately felt regretful and decided I would binge when I left work.
I bought three donuts, one which I ate in the Safeway parking lot, one which I ate while in the McDonald’s drive-thu, and one which I ate in my driveway, using my dog’s sweater as a napkin to avoid my family knowing what I had just done.
And then the overwhelming feeling of disgust came over me, and sadness, as I never had to enter my home after a binge that was filled with my family, and I was tired of hiding.
So I wrote on a piece of paper “I just ate three donuts” and gave it to my husband. He took me out into the living room, sat me down on his lap, and asked me how work was, how I was feeling, and asked if anything specific triggered me. I just cried and cried and told him I was just really hungry. Bless his heart, he tried to think of solutions, like how I could exercise or eat some vegetables to get some healthy food in my system, but I just told him to listen, and he did.
I asked if he was mad, and he told me he would never be mad at me for something like this, and I told him he had gotten mad in the past, and he apologized for that and told me he was wrong to do so.
He hugged me and kissed me and wiped my tears. He’s so amazing sometimes and I hate my eating disorder for pushing him away.
Afterwards, I ended up eating the McDonald’s food and popping a laxative.
And although I have taken some steps back, I never would have told my husband, so the fact that I did and that he didn’t flip out, makes me feel a bit better about coming clean in the future if and when I decide to.