I pride myself on being pretty organized, excellent with time management and impeccable at maintaining a schedule, but the other day I realized how much time and energy I waste engaging in unnecessary rituals that should probably be eliminated from my life in order for me to recover successfully.
I have always had pretty habitual behaviors…I was diagnosed and put on medication for OCD at age 16, but as my nutrition worsened and I got older, I kept adding to the regiment and becoming more rigid in their execution.
So the other morning, when I had to leave for work abnormally early due to a meeting, which obviously meant a 3:55 a.m. wake up time rather than my normal 4:10 (yes I am a psycho) I was putting together my breakfast and packing my lunch, and I realized it takes me nearly 45 minutes to prepare, and eat my morning meal.
This is somewhat ridiculous considering my oats were partially made the night before, and how freakin’ hard is it to put egg beaters, from a carton, into a pan?
Well, I will give you the answer.
It is not difficult, but it takes WAY more time than it needs to when a person measures every little thing out, has to get to oatmeal bowl to the exact right temperature and refill it with water several times to ensure that the belly is full enough to get through the morning. The coffee has to be just right, in the exact same cup everyday, and the lunch needs to be stacked accordingly in my cooler, with just the right amount of ice packs and same utensils as the day before…and every day before that.
Maybe if I did not have to do these things every morning I would not have to get up around the same time as most college kids go to bed and be literally exhausted by Friday afternoon.
So as I am making this profound observation, about the excessive amount of time wasted every morning as I go through the motions and eat the same darn thing, I got to thinking.
Where else in my life am I using so much time and effort, that I could put forth for other, more important things?
I will give you the answer again.
Remember that myfitnesspal ap that I explained was my worst enemy a few months back?
Entering in data, even though it doesn’t vary all that much from day to day(hello boring old safe foods) can take up to 10 minutes after each meal because I have to analyze every little morsel, plan what else I can have the rest of the day based on my previous choices, see where I could possibly cut a corner but still not be so famished I am ready to eat off my arm.
It is CRAZY how much time I spend engaging in eating disorder behaviors, even though I am not restricting or exercising to the extent I was before.
My gosh, what was my life like before?! when I did consider myself to have somewhat of a problem!
I am actually ashamed to admit all this because when I think about it, what am I not doing, or who am I not seeing, because I am totally consumed by these habits?
I consider myself to be a pretty productive individual now…even with all these horrific rituals, so what type of person could I be if they were lessened?
What about if they were non-existent?
I again began to think of this as I was reading a friend’s post about what recovery meant to her…what would she do if she were healthy…
A bunch of people commented on all the activities they could participate in, people they would see, things they would accomplish, if they were ED free.
I touched on this a few weeks ago when I was “getting angry ” at my disease, and I did compile a pretty good list, but there is always more to add, and it never hurts to be reminded of such things, since I tend to have selective memory when it comes to being challenged or taking the “easy,” more comfortable ED way out.
So for now I am going to challenge myself by having a DIFFERENT breakfast than usual…one that takes less time to assemble, and hopefully provides double the satisfaction.
Now aren’t you excited to come back for WIAW?! Because this new morning meal will be featured in this week’s edition, WIAW A Real Week of Challenges