Time seems to move slower when you’re restricting.
This week, for lack of a better word, has been awful.
And it’s all due to food restriction. I’ve been restricting under 500 calories, on average, for the past two weeks. So this week, the physical complications have become more prominent: heart palpitations, trouble typing, weakness, trouble waking up, fatigue, teeth pain, slight blurred vision, hypoglycemia. I’ve also immersed myself into the ED community online more than usual as my husband has been out of town for two days.
The week is going by so dreadfully slow. I have no patience at work to deal with clients, and during group I have to fake healthiness and vibrancy just to get through them. It’s almost instant. I’m miserable right before I shut the door and miserable the moment it opens. The hour and a half in between, I’m laughing and debating and processing with my clients, giving them the guidance I don’t follow myself.
I thought about recovery today, as I do every day, and it always boils down to one thing: I want emotional recovery, but not physical recovery. The majority of my recovery was thanks to the 12-step meetings. I found emotional recovery there unlike anywhere else. The physical recovery, however, occurred well before that and was forced upon me in treatment. I’ve never once done physical recovery by myself. If I were to try to re-enter recovery now without going into treatment, this would be my first time trying to do weight restoration on my own.
And then the thoughts come in: Forget that, you can be in recovery and stay this weight. Who says you have to gain weight anyway? Your life isn’t miserable because you’re thin, it’s miserable because of your stress.
Then I thought I could totally just start going to meetings, but I know once I was there, I would see all my denial for what it is. I couldn’t possibly maintain this weight eating a healthy amount, and as long as I’m not eating a healthy amount in order to maintain this weight, I won’t be in real recovery. Because not eating is what’s keeping me afloat in this sea of never ending debt, worry, drama, and fear.