It’s Friday. School is out and I’m leaving with two of my friends to go to San Francisco. We are going to see a musician we know of, someone who the average person would never recognize, but is still someone we admire and fangirl over, simply because he starred in a well known horror movie back in the 80s.
I fasted all day and order a salad from Subway. My friends order sandwiches, and I feel proud that I deny myself that luxury. A salad for dinner is all I need. I need to be empty and light for the mini concert we are attending the following night.
But then things change. We go to the supermarket afterwards and my friend’s mother says, “Get any goodies you guys want for tonight!”
And then the compulsion kicks in. Any goodies you want.
I grab a package of cookies, a box of pop-tarts, and a small jar of peanut butter. My friends also get whatever candies and junk they want, and all I can think about the entire two hour drive to the Bay Area is eating, eating, eating.
We are staying at a friends’ house. They have a magnet on the refrigerator that says, “God, if you can’t make me skinny, please make all of my friends fat.” I laugh a little in my head, because I’ve prayed to lose weight for so long. How happy I’d be if my friends really did all of a sudden get fatter.
When night time rolls around, I’m the first to mention the food. I get everything out and start eating. I take the peanut butter and slather all the pop-tarts. I eat, and eat, and eat. More pop-tarts, more peanut butter, more soft Chips-Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. And even when my stomach hurts, I keep going. And even when my friends have stopped eating, I keep going, wondering why they aren’t eating as much as I am. This is GIRLS NIGHT, and GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO SPLURGE ON JUNK FOOD ON GIRLS NIGHT, but they aren’t, and I suddenly feel ashamed, guilty, and fat. I’m sure they are silently laughing at me in their heads, thinking things like, “See, this is what she gets for thinking she’s too good for Subway sandwiches. What a hypocrite to diet all day and then eat all this junk food.”
When I finally put the food aside, all I want to do now is lie down. My stomach hurts so bad, and now it’s distended, and all I can think about is how fat I will be for the show.
So much for the fasting. So much for the salad. And so much for praying to be thin, or for my friends to get fatter. How are either supposed to happen when I can’t stop eating and my friends don’t seem to have that problem?