I wrote this entry on 02/26/2009. At this point in time I was following a food plan of a healthy amount of food and not weighing myself. Looking at that food list makes me cringe. Even though I know that logically it’s actually a “small” amount of food compared to some, going from that to what I eat now is pretty drastic. I was obviously in a better place four years ago than I am now.
I can’t help but think of my life now and say I failed, although I know that’s not necessarily the case. I have an illness that came back, although knowing there were things I could have done to prevent it makes me feel guilty.
I can’t imagine ever going back to eat that much ever again, although I know there will probably come a time when I do (whether because I re-enter recovery or get pregnant). But even now, during the times when I think I’m in a good enough place to start eating again, the will just isn’t there. I don’t know if it’s lack of motivation, general laziness, or fear, but I just don’t feel like preparing food for myself. Eating healthy really does take a lot of time and effort, and not eating is just so much more simple. I don’t have to worry about cooking, I don’t have to worry about planning what I’m going to eat, and I don’t have to take time out of my day to sit down to eat a meal. And on the plus side, it makes me feel “clean,” “in control,” and I get to lose/maintain weight.
But I know those are eating disorder thoughts, because in recovery, it really didn’t bother me much to have to prepare food. I didn’t mind taking food to work. I didn’t mind eating in front of others. I didn’t mind eating so much food and actually rather enjoyed it.