Thoughts and Contemplations—recovery goals (What do I really want out of this?)
Posted Apr 21 2009 12:00am
I will admit that lately I have struggled to stay motivated and focused on recovery. And in a way the creation of this blog was to keep me on track - I have had other blogs that served to keep me ingrained in my eating disordered world. While in that frame of mind, I had clear goals; often ones that were measurable on the scales, by my intake (or lack thereof) or other less pleasant means. So going from a world where goals are fixed (though often are surpassed and replaced by new and more harmful ones) and obvious to one where things are more subjective is difficult.
Should one make recovery goals as objective and fixed as the old eating disordered ones, i.e. I will gain x kg/lbs to reach this weight, my intake will be x calories/kilojoules? While necessary to obtain physical health, in my view it still feels disordered. It is still focusing more on weight rather than the issues driving the disorder. Certainly weight and intake regulation is a big part of the recovery process but using the same narrowmindedness, for lack of a better term, as the eating disordered goals . And I think that everyone approaches recovery different - some may need distinct goals. But for me I still feel like I am using the control of weight and food (albeit in a less harmful manner) to gain a sense of control over past/present and future events I have little to no power over i.e. other peoples actions.
Also, I find myself setting goals in line with what others think is best for me or what I think others want. My own recovery didn't feel specific to me. It became about what everyone else felt often at the neglect of my own views and feelings. This had/has made it difficult to recover because I don't a) know what I am aiming for, and b) don't feel like the goals are my own.
While it is important to have some guidelines, especially in regards to physical well being, it is also important to make the goals real for you. We are more likely to work at something if the 'rewards' are something we do desire/strive for.
What I hope to get out of my recovery: my goals
To feel comfortable with my body in its healthy or natural state
To eat when hungry and stop when I'm full
To nurture and be kind to my body rather than harm it
To express my feelings in a safe way
To not be overly focused or obsessive about ed related numbers
To have the strength and energy to get through a working day
To feel confident enough to share myself with others
To eliminate the limits and restrictions on the variety of foods