Thoughts and Contemplations—Do you really want to give it up? Can you let it go?

Yes and no. I hate what the eating disorder does (and has done) to my life. I hate how it makes me feel, how it makes me look, and how it makes me act. And, the lack of control it perpetuates, "It makes me [...]" I bend to its every whim and give up the rest of my life. I become the anoretic, the bulimic, the sufferer. It's who I am...

To let go is scary. I have to be a big girl in the big world (no pun intended). Working and having grown up responsibilities; it's such a scary concept. I'm scared I'll fail, get it wrong, f- up another person. Who am I without the eating disorder? Will it be enough?

But, I want a different life. I am sick of feeling awful, living in filth because I am too fatigued to throw the vomit out. The hiding and isolation the eating disorder brings—I can't stand it! I want better. I deserve better.
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Note. This was written Saturday 24 October while an inpatient in the RBH psychiatric ward.