The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth
Posted Feb 17 2010 8:36am
Is withholding the truth the same thing as lying?
I feel, once again, like I am leading a double life. There are the things that I write here- pretty ‘anonymous’, but still very public. Then there are the things that go on in-between posts that go undocumented, yet not unsaid. I have no real reason to be anything but 100% open here- nobody I know in “real life” reads this. Nobody I have met through blogging are people I interact with face-to-face on an everyday basis.
And yet I hold back. I censor my words, edit or delete my posts. I struggle to find a balance between who I am, and who I aspire to be. My blog could well be a complete work of fiction and nobody would ever really know. (Don’t worry- it’s not!) But it IS only bits and pieces of what is going on for me. A big part of this is that I can quickly forget a quick conversation with my parents or my doctor. Once something is written down and posted on the internet…it feels far more real. So this ‘withholding the truth’ is more about lying to myself than anything else. I also don’t want to write the same thing over and over again; the same difficulties, the same triumphs, the same thoughts time after time after time. It’s frustrating to feel like I keep falling into the same pitholes and slamming up against the same walls. The fact of the matter is that I am clinging very tightly to the one thing that is keeping the circles I am walking in from getting wider. And that is something I would rather not aknowledge.
I know that a lot of people have said that they share only certain parts of their life on their blogs and that’s perfectly understandable. But I guess it depends on why you have a blog in the first place and what purpose is serves for you.
I started this blog over 2 years ago with the sole purpose of it being a place where I could write about whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I never imagined people would read it, and as far as I know, for the first year or so of posting, very few people did. It was never intended to be a place where I had to hide- quite the opposite. It was a space for me to be 100%. It’s changed, obviously. I don’t know who or what I am hiding from.
Judgments? Criticism? Myself?..
I am scared of being in a position where I have to make false promises. Admitting a problem immediately makes me feel obligated to fix it. Sometimes I don’t want to.Admitting that I am not doing as well as I like to believe makes me feel like I should be doing everything possible to move forward. Sometimes I don’t know how.
So I am left hitting “delete”, hiding from myself and hiding from the truth. Because facing my truth means dealing with it. And I’m not sure that I can do that.
“Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone out to be”