They say in 12-Step that if the program is worked, the food obsession will be lifted.
I know there are people out there who feel I am not really sick. There’s a part of me who feels the same. But regardless of how bad my physical behaviors are, or the lack of physical consequences I have, I am thinking about my eating disorder, my body, my food, my hunger, or my deceit 24/7. It’s tiring and makes me feel guilty. When I should be thinking about work or my friends or my husband, I am thinking about calories, or weight, or food. And I know starvation contributes to this, but it’s becoming overwhelming. The thoughts will not stop.
I am getting bolder and posting pictures of my limbs on Facebook (before I would only post my face). I sit and stare at my current profile picture, analyzing my arm, one second thinking it looks strikingly thin, the next second thinking it looks normal. I wonder what my friends think, or what my husband thinks, or what my psychiatrist from Rader thinks.
Then I think of messaging my psychiatrist and telling him I have relapsed and asking him if he thinks my relapse is “real” because there are people out there who think it’s not. Thoughts of telling him that I think he was wrong about my anorexia in 2006, that he just took my word for it that I had it, and never formally diagnosed me.
These thoughts won’t stop. I am a slave to them. They are drowning me.
I am contemplating going to a meeting on Sunday. Want to know what my subsequent thought was? What could I wear to look as thin as possible?
I need these thoughts to stop. They’ve been playing since 2011.