I’m alone for the next three or four days as my husband is on a business trip.
Apart of me is sad because I’ll miss him, but another part of me is elated because I can totally immerse myself in my eating disorder without having to look over my shoulder. It’s already started. Today I went to CVS and bought myself a box of chocolates. I’ve never had a box of chocolates all to myself, so I thought, “fuck it — buy yourself an entire box.” It was no Sees candy or anything fancy, but the fact that the entire box is MINE makes me giddy. Stupid, right? I’ve already had like four or five pieces today. My food intake has been sporadic — I’ve had 1 and 1/2 chicken breasts, a tilapia filet, some rice-o-roni, some veggies, a can of tuna, the chocolates, some honey roasted peanuts, a cracker, a chocolate smoothie from Starbucks, a Sweet Tea from McDonalds (280 effing cals)…I also raided the fridge and got rid of old food and dumped the rest of the honey roasted peanuts in the trash. I also got rid of the boy’s leftover Christmas candy. I have two and a half packages of Ritz crackers I am bringing to work. If I don’t, I will binge on all of them while my husband is gone.
Embarrassing ED moment today is when my nine-year-old step-son goes to eat his chocolate candy balls and finds they are gone. “Where are my candy balls?” I say nothing — knowing I secretly ate them.
I was 81 pounds this morning. I always fuck up my food on the weekends because it’s easier to eat whatever is available. My plan for the next three or four days is to eat the following:
Breakfast: 1 banana (if I don’t eat them, they will go bad)
Lunch: 9 reduced fat tortilla chips, 1/2 can tuna, 1 Tbs. teriyaki sauce
Dinner: 1 small chicken breast, 1/4 cup rice-o-roni, 1 cup broccoli, 1 cup pears, 1 Tbs. teriyaki sauce
Snack: 1 chocolate (50 calories in one tiny fucking chocolate?!)
Total estimated calories: 708 calories
As of now, there is literally no other food in the house besides the above foods and Clif bars, dried fruit, cereal, yogurt, bread, and canned goods. There’s a chance I will indulge in a Clif bar, but there’s only a couple left and I’d rather save them for my husband. They are DEATHLY though — 250 calories for one bar the size of my palm.
Today at the OA meeting, we read over Step 2. It lists all the insane things we eating disordered people have done, and it was sort of eye-opening for me. Even though I’ve read it a billion times, I can’t believe how many of the things I’ve done in the last month alone:
Eaten food that was frozen (frozen chicken breast…too impatient to microwave it all the way through)
Eaten food that was stale (old rice cakes)
Eaten food off of other people’s plates
Eaten food off the floor (all the time…you drop a lot when you are bingeing while standing up in the kitchen)
Lied about what we have eaten (to my sponsor)
Stolen food from family (boys’ Christmas candy)
Stolen food from employers (had the impulse to swipe soy sauce my coworker hides in her drawer…just to HAVE it…so I took it)
Eaten beyond the point of being full (every binge)
We have isolated ourselves to eat (always alone!)
In terms of our personal lives, I’ve also experienced the following in the past couple of months:
Responded to our children’s needs by yelling
Spent too much time living in fear and anxiety
Felt more comfortable with food than with people
When around other people, we smiled and agreed even when we didn’t want to
Focused on other people’s faults instead of our own
Overreacted to slight provocations
I didn’t really realize how much of a problem this all really has caused. I wouldn’t act insanely with food if I didn’t restrict all the time. I wouldn’t be short with my husband if I wasn’t so irritable after restricting my food intake. I wouldn’t resent my step-kids so much if I focused on my own issues. I wouldn’t be dealing with any of this if I could just turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power — or in simpler terms — do the right thing and accept whatever happens. Accept my weight, my ability to have or not have children, my step-kids, my job, my financial situation, my fear, my anxiety, etc.
But for some reason I still hold onto the eating disorder. As insane as it makes me, it makes me feel better. Because without it, I’m just an average person with average problems who has to deal with those problems head-on. At least this way I can deal with them looking skinny. And yet, am I really dealing with them? It’s been almost a year since we tried to do anything about becoming pregnant. I still have unpaid bills I am avoiding. I still sit around at work and do absolutely nothing. I still leave dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, laundry in the basket. I feel like my life just moves on without me while I sit and try to catch up with everything. I feel like I’m going to wake up fifty years from now and wonder where my life went.
This eating disorder is the only thing I’ve got to hold onto. I know realistically that is not the case. I know if I were to work the program like I did before, all these things would go away. I mean, I would still have all these issues, but I would be able to DEAL with them instead of AVOID them.
The more I realize these things, the more I hope my work lays me off or shuts down so I can go into a treatment center.