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The demons of doubt

Posted Aug 03 2010 8:37am
Today is my last day at the bakery, and I'm mostly excited to be able to focus full-time on my writing, I will miss many of my co-workers. Yesterday, I was discussing with another baker (let's call him "D") the essentials of writing the next Great American Zombie Apocalypse Novel. The book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a bestseller (seriously. Do you think I could make this stuff up?), and so we wanted to rewrite other books with a zombie twist. Such as "To Kill a Zombie Mockingbird" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Zombie." I will miss conversations like this.

I will also miss the fact that my boss was trying to bribe me to stay by buying me iced coffees. It didn't work, but it was a nice perk! My boss is a complicated person, and sometimes I want to shake her, but we've also had our fair share of laughs*. We were talking last night as we cleaned the kitchen about how physically demanding the job was. I said that it was rather hilarious that all the customers were always wondering how I could work in the bakery and "stay so skinny!" when in reality my metabolic needs almost required large amounts of high-calorie goodies. My boss told me that she jokes with other people that she "eats like a 300 lb man" because she's so active.

If only she would have stopped there. Because the next thing out of her mouth was
"Watch, now that you're no longer going to be with us, you're totally going to get fat."

I used my newly acquired interpersonal effectiveness skill of grunting, but inside, I panicked.

I know my boss knows nothing about my eating disorder history. I also know she was joking--she's just that kind of person. We tease each other and so on, and I'm not doubting for a second that she really didn't mean it (unlike my co-worker who jokingly--I think--called me " fatass ." Am I sensing a theme here?). But I still worry about how/if quitting my bakery job will lead to weight gain.

It's an irrational fear, and I know it. The doubt, however, still nags at me. I am barely tolerating the weight I am at now, and I fear any sort of gain would throw me over the edge. I also don't want to go clothes shopping again. Like, ever again. Yet I know I can't let such a fear dictate my life and prevent me from chasing my dreams.

I know that being calm and rational is the way to get through this. So I've reminded myself of the following
  • TNT monitors my weight and we can step in if there is an upward trend.
  • I can call my old dietitian and ask for support.
  • I didn't lose weight when I started and so I probably won't gain when I leave.
  • My weight stayed the same when I was out of town and not working for 3 weeks.
  • If my metabolism can adjust to the upward shift in activity, it can adjust to the downward shift.
In the meantime, I just think my boss totally owes me an iced coffee for that comment--don't you?

*For instance, when she got my iced coffee the first day, she asked how I liked me coffee. I said "Just how I like my men- deep tan and really sweet." She looked at me and said "I guess that means I like my men blond and bitter."
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