Today I woke up feeling sorry for myself. I had gone to bed at 10pm only to wake up every hour at which I finally decided to start my work day at 4am. Personally, I found it quite soothing and tranquil to be alone for the first hour (or so) of work. I was able to focus without the incessant chatter of my co-workers (one of the wonderful benefits of cubical land). Often I find myself getting distracted and annoyed by the constant buzzing and chitchat that surrounds me at work.
After the first couple hours, I began to think that the day would never end. I kept thinking about the stupid fat roll around my tummy, the pimple on my nose, my lack of a significant other (therefore being one of my last of close girl friends to have a boyfriend or husband), and my craziness that is probably scaring away any potential future mate (plus the whole fat part that I hate and therefore assume everyone else hates). When I finally left (around noon), I continued my pity party as I ran errands and ate lunch. In an effort to boost my spirits I decided that I deserved a manicure as opposed to diving headfirst into a pile of junk food.
Even the tragic story of the single mother raising her son in a new country (my nail technician) couldn’t make me feel grateful for all the wonderful parts of my life. Instead I just felt worse that I felt bad about trivial things like my weight when this woman worked two jobs just to feed her son. I drove to my parent’s house to await the return of my laptop and started talking to my mother. She commented on the fact that person A had just gotten married, person B was having a baby, and person C just graduated from college with honors. And all I could focus on was failure, my perceived failure. I could only focus on my lack of a husband (or boyfriend) and my fat, all of which made me a ginormous failure. My mother immediately sensed my mood and began to remind me of the girl I had been in high school. The plus size girl who wasn’t thrilled with body but didn’t let her size stop her from being Sarah. She swam on the swim team (and did pretty damn well for her size), had major roles in plays, spoke her mind, and wore whatever she wanted. She was complete opposite of the woman that I’ve become.
Circa 2003
And I realized that I was letting the buzz, the constant chatter of my internal critic overwhelm me. Like the noise of my co-workers, I had allowed that negativity to affect my life and how I choose to live. As opposed to focusing on all the goodness in my life, I just focused on what I thought I had failed. I’m not a failure because I developed anorexia and then BED. I’m not a failure because I haven’t met my Prince Charming. I’m not a failure because of the stupid pimple on my nose. I realized that in order to truly change my lifestyle, I have to change the vision of my life and who I think I should be. It’s not going to be easy. I promise there will be tears and more pity parties but I know that I can change this unattainable vision of myself. And by changing that vision,. I’m going to ignore that unnecessary buzzing and focusing on that tiny little voice inside of me crying “You are wonderful just as your are”.
Do you let the negative chatter overwhelm? How do you shut it up?
Today I woke up feeling sorry for myself. I had gone to bed at 10pm only to wake up every hour at which I finally decided to start my work day at 4am. Personally, I found it quite soothing and tranquil to be alone for the first hour (or so) of work. I was able to focus without the incessant chatter of my co-workers (one of the wonderful benefits of cubical land). Often I find myself getting distracted and annoyed by the constant buzzing and chitchat that surrounds me at work.
After the first couple hours, I began to think that the day would never end. I kept thinking about the stupid fat roll around my tummy, the pimple on my nose, my lack of a significant other (therefore being one of my last of close girl friends to have a boyfriend or husband), and my craziness that is probably scaring away any potential future mate (plus the whole fat part that I hate and therefore assume everyone else hates). When I finally left (around noon), I continued my pity party as I ran errands and ate lunch. In an effort to boost my spirits I decided that I deserved a manicure as opposed to diving headfirst into a pile of junk food.
Even the tragic story of the single mother raising her son in a new country (my nail technician) couldn’t make me feel grateful for all the wonderful parts of my life. Instead I just felt worse that I felt bad about trivial things like my weight when this woman worked two jobs just to feed her son. I drove to my parent’s house to await the return of my laptop and started talking to my mother. She commented on the fact that person A had just gotten married, person B was having a baby, and person C just graduated from college with honors. And all I could focus on was failure, my perceived failure. I could only focus on my lack of a husband (or boyfriend) and my fat, all of which made me a ginormous failure. My mother immediately sensed my mood and began to remind me of the girl I had been in high school. The plus size girl who wasn’t thrilled with body but didn’t let her size stop her from being Sarah. She swam on the swim team (and did pretty damn well for her size), had major roles in plays, spoke her mind, and wore whatever she wanted. She was complete opposite of the woman that I’ve become.
Circa 2003And I realized that I was letting the buzz, the constant chatter of my internal critic overwhelm me. Like the noise of my co-workers, I had allowed that negativity to affect my life and how I choose to live. As opposed to focusing on all the goodness in my life, I just focused on what I thought I had failed. I’m not a failure because I developed anorexia and then BED. I’m not a failure because I haven’t met my Prince Charming. I’m not a failure because of the stupid pimple on my nose. I realized that in order to truly change my lifestyle, I have to change the vision of my life and who I think I should be. It’s not going to be easy. I promise there will be tears and more pity parties but I know that I can change this unattainable vision of myself. And by changing that vision,. I’m going to ignore that unnecessary buzzing and focusing on that tiny little voice inside of me crying “You are wonderful just as your are”.
Do you let the negative chatter overwhelm? How do you shut it up?