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The Art of Letting Go

Posted Aug 24 2008 9:36pm
I feel like my entire state of being can be summarized by waiting and wondering.

An internship/job/something to do after I graduate is at the top of my list. I've interviewed for several positions and am- you guessed it- waiting to hear back.

I'm chugging away at my thesis, but it's still a long way from finished. Long way. I do think I've finished all of my interviews unless something else pops up.

As for my term paper? Funny you mention that... If I could just research and not start writing, I'd probably be in pretty good shape. But part of what a term paper implies is actual writing, thusly I need to put fingers to keyboard and start hacking out something vaguely resembling and beginning, middle, and end.

I am still eating, which is unusual given the past, say, decade or so of my life. I am frequently stressed to the point of being nauseated, but I push through it.

My pile of work is just ridiculously high, I almost have to laugh. I have a 15 page draft due on Thursday (the above mentioned term paper), and an entire book to finish for the same class. Both of those aren't going to happen. The book will be skimmed, since it's much harder to turn in a fake draft than mumble something quasi-intelligent when called upon. I'm trying to remember that this will bear little resemblance to anything I do for a future career, so screw it. If I fail to comprehend the exact politics of the banana republics (not the clothing company, though I can go into detail about how and why the clothing company has the name it does. Should you feel some insomnia coming on, let me know and I'll fill you in. Should clear that sleeplessness right up.) and the US and the environment, I'm pretty sure I'll live.

I still need to learn the art of letting go. Of accepting half- assed every once in a while, just to save my sanity. I'm not good at that. The all-or-nothing thinking is a big shortcoming of mine. I want things in order, in their place, all nice and neat and ready to go. Not stacks of crap piled around my desk, a cacophony of books and papers and Post-Its liberally dusted with cat hair. Of a dishwasher filled with clean dishes that I can't be bothered to empty.

I am, somewhat miraculously, caught up on laundry.

I read, I think on Christine Kane's blog , of the idea of not having a to do list (or not just a to do list), but of making a "ta da !" list. This is a list you make at the end of the day, where you fill in all of the things you have accomplished. I fed the cat, changed my sheets, worked on my term paper, transcribed an interview, watched my friend give a public reading of her work, read an assigned newspaper article and two chapters in a book. It's said to be more positive, mentally, than crossing these items off of a list. Given my state of busy- ness , I need to write a list out in the first place so I can have something to write down on my ta da list. Which makes me feel a little asinine and redundant copying everything out again- except I always end up doing a load of stuff that comes up that doesn't make it onto the master list.

Still, I intend to venture into the strange world of positivity. We'll see how much I like it.
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