I joined a 12 Step step study. I’ll be talking a little more about it in another post, but my assignment for this week is to read Chapter 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and the First Step of a program of my choice. I’m choosing to go with Eating Disorders Anonymous and I’ll be reading their version of Step 1.
I also have to answer 13 questions, six of which I’ll be doing in this post:
1.) What does the disease of addiction mean to me?
Addiction to me means something I am doing that is affecting my overall health (physically, mentally, spiritually) and well-being. Addiction is doing something that I know I should stop and yet don’t. Addiction to me means something that is manageable and never cured. Addiction is something that I have suffered from and will always suffer from, however, I know there are tools out there that can help me arrest the disease.
2.) How has my disease affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
Physically, I seem to either be very lucky or I’m not doing as much damage as everyone thinks. In the last year I’ve had two or three blood tests, all of which have come back normal. My EKG has also been normal and I’ve never had abnormal vital signs. I haven’t lost my period, my hair doesn’t fall out, I don’t get dizzy, I don’t faint. On the other hand, I do have osteopenia and have had ketones in my urine in the past. I have no idea if I’ve made the osteopenia worse this relapse time ’round, and I suppose I’ll never know unless I have enough money to ever get a bone density test. Also, I do feel tired and lethargic on a regular basis. I get weak very easy when restricting. It hurts to sit on hard chairs and as of late I seem to be having weird circulatory problems with my legs.
Emotionally, I’ve been a wreck. The biggest negative emotion that has come out of all this is probably guilt given the fact that I hid it from my husband for so long. I also became very withdrawn and irritable, electing to spend time by myself and enjoyed the time I had alone when my husband and his kids were gone. I also become a very selfish person, living my life around my eating disorder rather than my family and home life. When I’m 100% engaged in anorexic behaviors, I feel like it’s a never ending war and as soon as I catch up to what I want, whatever I want runs ahead, leaving me to start over. I’ve felt like a failure (unable to lose weight quickly), I’ve felt like an adulterer (my lover being the ED), I’ve felt unworthy of the title “anorexic.” I’ve felt like I’ve never had a problem, I’ve felt like I had a HUGE problem. I’ve felt elated (losing weight) and I’ve felt torn (recovery or disease?). I’ve felt pretty much everything.
Spiritually, I am disconnected from my Higher Power. If I was totally connected, I would be able to surrender my food and weight to him and accept the results as they come. But for today I am unable to do that and I try very hard to control my food intake and weight. I am determined to stay within a certain range (75-81 lbs.)
3.) What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
It’s hard because I don’t want to call this a disease. I don’t want to admit I have a problem, because then I would have to give up these behaviors. I try so hard to justify them; to convince myself that they are choices. I just choose to eat rigidly. I just choose to weigh a certain number. I just choose to be thin. But if I were an observer from the outside, I would say my disease of addiction is manifesting itself in anorexia, or anorexic behaviors. I restrict my food intake, I binge, I eat in secret, I look at food porn , I look at thinspo . I have a scale I keep in my office and am unable to go a day without weighing myself. I spend too much time looking at myself in the mirror and feeling my bones. I spend too much time taking my eating disorder into consideration when I do other unrelated things.
4.) Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
I just like being thin. Everybody is overreacting. I’m just naturally thin. Restricting my food intake isn’t a big deal. My health has not been affected so I can continue restricting. I still have my period, so I can stand to drop a few pounds. All women weigh themselves once a day. I just like the look of being underweight. My eating behaviors are not out of control like they were before. I wanted attention and was melodramatic; everything I said about my eating disorder is false because I don’t HAVE an eating disorder. Etc.
5.) What crisis brought me to recovery?
There were a few. One was the overwhelming guilt of hiding my behaviors and feelings from my husband. The second was my fear of infertility and/or death. The third was my work intervening. After everything was out in the open, the guilt I had over my husband was no longer there. Once my health results were cleared for work, the fear of death was no longer there. Once my work got off my back, the attention seeking was no longer there. So now that all three things have calmed down, I feel as if I can justify my behavior as normal and move on. But now I’m stuck in recovery because my husband said that if I didn’t try he would leave. Not necessarily LEAVE leave, but leave until I could hit a rock bottom and seek recovery for myself.
6.) What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went against all my beliefs and values?
Uh, EVERYTHING? Lying to my husband, first and foremost. Weighing myself. Restricting my food intake. Lying in general. Bingeing. Hiding food. Taking laxatives. Triggering myself. Gossiping. Being rude. Being selfish. Etc.
More next week.
I joined a 12 Step step study. I’ll be talking a little more about it in another post, but my assignment for this week is to read Chapter 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and the First Step of a program of my choice. I’m choosing to go with Eating Disorders Anonymous and I’ll be reading their version of Step 1.
I also have to answer 13 questions, six of which I’ll be doing in this post:
1.) What does the disease of addiction mean to me?
Addiction to me means something I am doing that is affecting my overall health (physically, mentally, spiritually) and well-being. Addiction is doing something that I know I should stop and yet don’t. Addiction to me means something that is manageable and never cured. Addiction is something that I have suffered from and will always suffer from, however, I know there are tools out there that can help me arrest the disease.
2.) How has my disease affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
Physically, I seem to either be very lucky or I’m not doing as much damage as everyone thinks. In the last year I’ve had two or three blood tests, all of which have come back normal. My EKG has also been normal and I’ve never had abnormal vital signs. I haven’t lost my period, my hair doesn’t fall out, I don’t get dizzy, I don’t faint. On the other hand, I do have osteopenia and have had ketones in my urine in the past. I have no idea if I’ve made the osteopenia worse this relapse time ’round, and I suppose I’ll never know unless I have enough money to ever get a bone density test. Also, I do feel tired and lethargic on a regular basis. I get weak very easy when restricting. It hurts to sit on hard chairs and as of late I seem to be having weird circulatory problems with my legs.
Emotionally, I’ve been a wreck. The biggest negative emotion that has come out of all this is probably guilt given the fact that I hid it from my husband for so long. I also became very withdrawn and irritable, electing to spend time by myself and enjoyed the time I had alone when my husband and his kids were gone. I also become a very selfish person, living my life around my eating disorder rather than my family and home life. When I’m 100% engaged in anorexic behaviors, I feel like it’s a never ending war and as soon as I catch up to what I want, whatever I want runs ahead, leaving me to start over. I’ve felt like a failure (unable to lose weight quickly), I’ve felt like an adulterer (my lover being the ED), I’ve felt unworthy of the title “anorexic.” I’ve felt like I’ve never had a problem, I’ve felt like I had a HUGE problem. I’ve felt elated (losing weight) and I’ve felt torn (recovery or disease?). I’ve felt pretty much everything.
Spiritually, I am disconnected from my Higher Power. If I was totally connected, I would be able to surrender my food and weight to him and accept the results as they come. But for today I am unable to do that and I try very hard to control my food intake and weight. I am determined to stay within a certain range (75-81 lbs.)
3.) What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
It’s hard because I don’t want to call this a disease. I don’t want to admit I have a problem, because then I would have to give up these behaviors. I try so hard to justify them; to convince myself that they are choices. I just choose to eat rigidly. I just choose to weigh a certain number. I just choose to be thin. But if I were an observer from the outside, I would say my disease of addiction is manifesting itself in anorexia, or anorexic behaviors. I restrict my food intake, I binge, I eat in secret, I look at food porn , I look at thinspo . I have a scale I keep in my office and am unable to go a day without weighing myself. I spend too much time looking at myself in the mirror and feeling my bones. I spend too much time taking my eating disorder into consideration when I do other unrelated things.
4.) Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
I just like being thin. Everybody is overreacting. I’m just naturally thin. Restricting my food intake isn’t a big deal. My health has not been affected so I can continue restricting. I still have my period, so I can stand to drop a few pounds. All women weigh themselves once a day. I just like the look of being underweight. My eating behaviors are not out of control like they were before. I wanted attention and was melodramatic; everything I said about my eating disorder is false because I don’t HAVE an eating disorder. Etc.
5.) What crisis brought me to recovery?
There were a few. One was the overwhelming guilt of hiding my behaviors and feelings from my husband. The second was my fear of infertility and/or death. The third was my work intervening. After everything was out in the open, the guilt I had over my husband was no longer there. Once my health results were cleared for work, the fear of death was no longer there. Once my work got off my back, the attention seeking was no longer there. So now that all three things have calmed down, I feel as if I can justify my behavior as normal and move on. But now I’m stuck in recovery because my husband said that if I didn’t try he would leave. Not necessarily LEAVE leave, but leave until I could hit a rock bottom and seek recovery for myself.
6.) What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went against all my beliefs and values?
Uh, EVERYTHING? Lying to my husband, first and foremost. Weighing myself. Restricting my food intake. Lying in general. Bingeing. Hiding food. Taking laxatives. Triggering myself. Gossiping. Being rude. Being selfish. Etc.
More next week.