Step 4: Made a searching and moral inventory of ourselves.
In this second part of Step 4, I’m focusing on my fears. Again, I’m choosing to use the four-column format as suggested by the AA Big Book.
1.) Fear: Not having a child of my own. Why I am fearful: A part of me feels like my life will not be complete without sharing a child with my husband. I feel like a part of me will be empty without a child that my husband and I created together. I feel like I’ll be missing out on something great. What causes this fear: My insecurity, my ambitions for being a mother, my expectations of what a perfect life/family consists of, my wants. My part is: not being able to turn this fear over to my Higher Power. As said before, some of the reasons for wanting a bay are selfish and self-seeking (doing it to take the focus off of my step-kids and onto my own kid). If I didn’t have so many expectations and wants, there would be no need to fear not having a child of my own. My part also includes black and white thinking, negative filters (not looking at the positives or being optimistic), worrying.
2.) Fear: Not finding a job/not finding a job I like. Why I am fearful: I fear I will be unhappy being unemployed and just as unhappy being employed. What causes this fear: security (finances), personal relations with my husband, and my self-esteem (feel like a loser, not smart or talents, etc.). My part is: failing to turn this over to my higher power. Minimizing my good work characteristics, minimizing my education and experience. Having too many expectations of what happiness should look like in the workplace.
3.) Fear: 2012. Why I am fearful: I’m afraid the world is going to suffer a natural disaster/end. I’m afraid I will die. I’m afraid my loved ones will die. I’m afraid we will be separated either in a disaster or by death. I’m afraid I’ll never have the chance to have a baby, have a career, etc., etc. What causes this fear: self-esteem (discouraged to do things, “why do it if the world is going to end anyway…), ambitions (wanting to have everything NOW in case I don’t get the chance to do it later), happiness, security. My part is: not turning it over to a Higher Power. Not letting things come in their own time. Not living in the moment. Future-tripping.
4.) Fear: Growing old/husband growing old/dying. Why I am fearful: Growing old means not looking as good as I do now, not being attractive to other people/my husband, being closer to death. I fear my husband growing old as I feel too young for him, or that I would be no longer attracted to him. I fear him dying long before me. I fear death because I am afraid I will be alone wherever I go, whether that be Heaven or reincarnation, or whatever may be. I am also afraid to die before my loved ones because I don’t want them to be sad, but I also fear them dying before me, because I don’t want to be alone. What causes this fear: self-esteem (not feeling sexy in old age, not being able to be a “young, hot couple” as my husband grows older or I grow older), and my lack of happiness (fear of dying). My part is: not turning this over to my Higher Power. Being self-seeking in terms of vanity/my husband’s looks, future-tripping, not staying in the moment.