I was talking to someone who was giving herself a terrible time about not being good enough, not feeling she was "normal" enough to get to be part of the human community. This wasn't the first time we've had discussions like this (she suffers big-time from that lovability distortion I wrote about the other day).
This particular discussion started because she felt she was "falling apart" and "nothing" was going right.
I asked her for examples of what she meant. She recounted a couple day span in which she had cancelled going to several social engagements. She felt awful about having done this and was convinced it was evidence she was somehow a failure and couldn't do life correctly.
We talked about why, exactly she had changed her mind about the events. Turned out she had rational, thoughtful, self-protective reasons for deciding not to go! I was proud of her. Instead of faking her way through some party, pretending she was all happy to be there, and then being totally exhausted afterward, she did the reasonable thing for herself and skipped it. This was a change from the past, and it represented real progress and strength on her part.
The problem wasn't what she'd been worried about- that she wasn't normal or deserving to be part of the human community- the problem was that when the invitations were extended for each of these events she
instantly agreed to go- before asking herself what she
wanted to do and what was
right for her.
Like so many people, this young woman has had it stuck in her mind that she is supposed to act, look, behave, feel, certain ways- extroverted, thin, perfect hair, happy all the time.... you guys know what I'm talking about...
And she has tried to make herself into that "perfect" person- which has only left her feeling like a failure, and lonely and tired. She's thought that to be "correct" she was supposed to like to go to big parties, hang out with certain people, spend her time in particular ways.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with big parties- some people love them- I'm saying (again) how important it is to assess and stay true to what is right for us.
This woman loves to hang out in small groups, with people she knows well and with whom she has strong relationships.And what's wrong with that? Not a thing. The only problem here was that she was that she
was telling herself that because she didn't want to go to big parties that weekend that she
was "not measuring up" somehow.
I was talking to someone who was giving herself a terrible time about not being good enough, not feeling she was "normal" enough to get to be part of the human community. This wasn't the first time we've had discussions like this (she suffers big-time from that lovability distortion I wrote about the other day).
I asked her for examples of what she meant. She recounted a couple day span in which she had cancelled going to several social engagements. She felt awful about having done this and was convinced it was evidence she was somehow a failure and couldn't do life correctly.
We talked about why, exactly she had changed her mind about the events. Turned out she had rational, thoughtful, self-protective reasons for deciding not to go! I was proud of her. Instead of faking her way through some party, pretending she was all happy to be there, and then being totally exhausted afterward, she did the reasonable thing for herself and skipped it. This was a change from the past, and it represented real progress and strength on her part.
The problem wasn't what she'd been worried about- that she wasn't normal or deserving to be part of the human community- the problem was that when the invitations were extended for each of these events she instantly agreed to go- before asking herself what she wanted to do and what was right for her.
Like so many people, this young woman has had it stuck in her mind that she is supposed to act, look, behave, feel, certain ways- extroverted, thin, perfect hair, happy all the time.... you guys know what I'm talking about...
And she has tried to make herself into that "perfect" person- which has only left her feeling like a failure, and lonely and tired. She's thought that to be "correct" she was supposed to like to go to big parties, hang out with certain people, spend her time in particular ways.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with big parties- some people love them- I'm saying (again) how important it is to assess and stay true to what is right for us.
This woman loves to hang out in small groups, with people she knows well and with whom she has strong relationships.