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Real-life Fail Whale

Posted May 07 2011 5:14pm
I posted a few weeks ago that my weight had dropped a bit since my move, and although I've managed to stop the slide, I haven't been able to put any of the weight back on.  I got the smack down from my treatment team this week, and so I've been pushing the food over the past few days.  I can feel my body kicking into hypermetabolism (hot flashes, etc), but I also feel like Twitter's infamous "fail whale":

Yeah, that big.

I know the chances I've gained more than a pound or two in the past few days is probably miniscule.  So I can't really been significantly larger than I was a few days ago and feeling (relatively) normal.  But there you have it.

EDs aren't rational, and I suppose there's no point in trying to rationalize any of it.  I know the feeling will eventually pass, and I also know why I hate the weight gain process so damn much.  It's mentally and physically uncomfortable.  I'm functional, unlike other times I've had to gain weight, although I have significantly less weight to gain than before, which helps.

I know I shouldn't waste time kicking myself and thusly bruising my ass.  I had been doing a good job juggling many aspects of recovery, but keeping all of the recovery "balls" in the air was beyond my capability at the time.  Dr. H suggested that I come up with not only a food and exercise plan to keep me in recovery, but also to come up with a social plan.  When I'm more stable, I want to volunteer at a cat rescue or something.  I have a weekly crochet group and a monthly book club, which is good.  I also need lots of "me" time, so it's hard to balance both needs.

I know the fail whale feeling will pass, and that I will get back on my feet.  But in the meantime, it seriously sucks.
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