I'm at a conference this week "in town" - which means that it's within a thirty mile radius from where I live. However, I've been in the van for a minimum of an hour and a half to go those 30 odd miles... Gotta love suburban/big city living - when there is no easy way to get between point a and point b, especially during rush hours when the HOV lanes (and whole roads) are in effect.
So, on my long commute to the conference, I've been doing some thinking... I meet with Jennifer (my nutritionist) on Friday for my first "real" appointment. (I met with her for a free twenty minute consultation a few weeks ago.) I know that she'll test my metabolism so that I have a better idea of how many calories I need each day just to breathe, but other than that, I'm not sure what she'll recommend (because I told her that my goal was to maintain my weight without counting (obsessing) about calories and to learn how to compensate for over/under eating/exercising.)
Of course, I wish there was a magic wand or a pill that could wipe out all the nutritional information for almost all the foods that I eat from my brain, but I know that doesn't exist. So I wonder what Jennifer will say. Will she be able to help me work through my fears of gaining weight?
Okay, so I'm obsessing about weight and food and calories.
Thanks to lots of journalling over the past few years (and a little guidance from John, my therapist,) I do know why I obsess - I have too much stress in my life. Stress is the main trigger of my eating disorder. In the past, most of the stress was "bad" - deaths of family members, communication issues, finances, dealing with events in my childhood and their effects on my current relationships, etc. I've taken steps to limit the "bad" stress - I confronted a lot of things, and then let them go as much as possible. Unfortunately, good stress triggers me just as easily. Gives meaning to the phrase 'too much of a good thing.'
I took a stress management class at work once where the instructor described stress like this. We each have a bucket inside of us. As we deal with life, the bucket fills with stress - good and bad, doesn't matter. Getting married may add as much stress into the bucket as burying a loved one (so to speak.) So once the bucket overflows, you start to have problems. In my case, I restrict/starve/overexercise/obsess about food and weight in order to deal with the overflow.
So here I am, obviously with a stress bucket overflowing (based upon my obsessing about calories) - with nothing out of the ordinary really going on. Work is busy; the family is going on trips and tours; we're getting ready for our son to start kindergarten; we're also trying to build our son's self-esteem/self-confidence/self-love (a very trying process which I'll blog about some other time.) Nothing that any other parent who works deals with, right?
Which makes me wonder - Why is my stress bucket so much smaller than everyone else's? Why can't I handle stress as well as others? How do other people handle the stress in their lives (especialy when I see others having much more stress than what I deal with?)
Or is it just an illusion that other people handle the stress in their lives well? Do they just avoid/hide it (from others and from themselves) better than I do?
Is it just that I'm more self-aware than others? More introspective? More in tune with my thoughts and feelings?
Which leads me to think - perhaps ignorance really is bliss in the land of the wise?
[sigh]
But there is no going back to ignorance. You can't give back the wisdom and understanding you've worked so hard to assemble.
So, perhaps I need to take lots of deep breaths and let some more things go? Like punching a hole in the stress bucket.
As I lectured to my five-year-old son this morning, I'm in charge of my own happiness. It's up to me to find ways to not let the stress cause me to obsess. One way is to write - because just by composing these thoughts, I feel calmer. (Tiny pinprick in the bucket.)
So, on my long commute to the conference, I've been doing some thinking... I meet with Jennifer (my nutritionist) on Friday for my first "real" appointment. (I met with her for a free twenty minute consultation a few weeks ago.) I know that she'll test my metabolism so that I have a better idea of how many calories I need each day just to breathe, but other than that, I'm not sure what she'll recommend (because I told her that my goal was to maintain my weight without counting (obsessing) about calories and to learn how to compensate for over/under eating/exercising.)
Of course, I wish there was a magic wand or a pill that could wipe out all the nutritional information for almost all the foods that I eat from my brain, but I know that doesn't exist. So I wonder what Jennifer will say. Will she be able to help me work through my fears of gaining weight?
Okay, so I'm obsessing about weight and food and calories.
Thanks to lots of journalling over the past few years (and a little guidance from John, my therapist,) I do know why I obsess - I have too much stress in my life. Stress is the main trigger of my eating disorder. In the past, most of the stress was "bad" - deaths of family members, communication issues, finances, dealing with events in my childhood and their effects on my current relationships, etc. I've taken steps to limit the "bad" stress - I confronted a lot of things, and then let them go as much as possible. Unfortunately, good stress triggers me just as easily. Gives meaning to the phrase 'too much of a good thing.'
I took a stress management class at work once where the instructor described stress like this. We each have a bucket inside of us. As we deal with life, the bucket fills with stress - good and bad, doesn't matter. Getting married may add as much stress into the bucket as burying a loved one (so to speak.) So once the bucket overflows, you start to have problems. In my case, I restrict/starve/overexercise/obsess about food and weight in order to deal with the overflow.
So here I am, obviously with a stress bucket overflowing (based upon my obsessing about calories) - with nothing out of the ordinary really going on. Work is busy; the family is going on trips and tours; we're getting ready for our son to start kindergarten; we're also trying to build our son's self-esteem/self-confidence/self-love (a very trying process which I'll blog about some other time.) Nothing that any other parent who works deals with, right?
Which makes me wonder - Why is my stress bucket so much smaller than everyone else's? Why can't I handle stress as well as others? How do other people handle the stress in their lives (especialy when I see others having much more stress than what I deal with?)
Or is it just an illusion that other people handle the stress in their lives well? Do they just avoid/hide it (from others and from themselves) better than I do?
Is it just that I'm more self-aware than others? More introspective? More in tune with my thoughts and feelings?
Which leads me to think - perhaps ignorance really is bliss in the land of the wise?
[sigh]
But there is no going back to ignorance. You can't give back the wisdom and understanding you've worked so hard to assemble.
So, perhaps I need to take lots of deep breaths and let some more things go? Like punching a hole in the stress bucket.
As I lectured to my five-year-old son this morning, I'm in charge of my own happiness. It's up to me to find ways to not let the stress cause me to obsess. One way is to write - because just by composing these thoughts, I feel calmer. (Tiny pinprick in the bucket.)