This week has been a difficult one emotionally. The after effect of being back in my Mum's house brought up a lot of memories and thoughts. A lot of painful issues were also raised in therapy last week and it slowly seeped in and dampened my mood.
Money has been an issue too. One of the consequences of my eating disorder is my bankruptcy. But in this case it was lending more than I could afford. My sister's puppy Max (who's photo is in the slideshow in the left-hand side) was in an accident with a motorcycle on Good Friday and required medical treatment. Not wanting to see him in pain I offered to loan the money for vet hospitl bill. Unfortunately I didn't budget too well and left myself short. Luckily I was eligible for the Australian Government Tax Bonus as part of the economic stimulus package. So there were a few uncertain and stressful days there.
Depression had once again tried to weave its way back into my life. I have enough awareness these days to recognise the signs; lack of sleep, motivation and energy. Old "friends" were whispering in my ear, making false claims that they could fix it all.
But despite the trouble I was able to stay on track with my recovery journey. I'll be honest, there were times where I just wanted to throw my hands up and give up. I didn't see the point of trying because I didn't think I had a future. I had convinced myself that things were never going to improve. But I was able to keep myself focused on what's important to me.
I decorated my room with photos of family, pets and pictures from happy times to help give my mood a boost. They also serve to remind me why I want to recover and what I want I could lose if I go back to the eating disorder. I surrounded myself with positive influences like the werefreedomfighters youtube collab channel and forum. I read blogs about recovering and fighting back. I build up my recovery 'walls' to keep me safe from the lingering eating disordered thoughts.