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no radio, no red things, and a cold shower

Posted Aug 25 2008 2:47pm

Colonoscopy prep. I expected hunger, and weakness, and headache. And got them.



And, granted, I'm watching myself rather closely today as I close in on 36 hours without eating.



I didn't expect this: as I reached for the radio this morning I flinched. I love radio, I drive everyone crazy by leaving it on in every room of the house. I have XM and FM and listen online and buy antique radios. But after a day of resisting the constant urge to eat something it generalized to the radio.



"Can't have that." my brain said.



It generalized to red things. Because even though I was permitted drinks yesterday, not red drinks. So the color red bothered me. I kept having this anxiety that I'd slipped somehow and eaten or drank something red and the colonoscopy would be cancelled and I'd have to start over.



Then the shower. It was too mild and I reached to turn the heat up, and flinched. I wanted it, so it made me anxious.



How subtle the way anxiety becomes attached to pleasures. Deny hunger, and it generalizes to types of hunger, to other sensations, even to sound.



In 90 minutes I'll be in twilight sleep while my colon is stared at. It's routine, and something healthy people do.



But when I wake up, I want a burger, a red drink, a hot shower, and the radio on, LOUD.



P.S. I'm home, had a cheeseburger and cranberry juice (and a $4 coffee), and all is well with the world...

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