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My job is sucking the life out of me

Posted Sep 07 2008 8:38pm

Hello all my friends. I'm so very sorry that I've gone missing for so long. And, I'm even more sorry for not responding to your emails. You've written asking for help and if I'm ok. I'm ok. But, I admit I'm struggling.

My eating is fine, actually. Don't worry that I've had a horrible relapse or anything.

But, my job has taken a terrible toll on my energy, my outlook, my attitude. It's been an absolute disaster at my job. I can't get into discussing it in detail right now. It's taking me a lot of energy to just write this much. But, trust me. It's really bad.

I alternate each day between walking out and never coming back, and wanting desperately to stick it out until mid-March. Mid-March is my 5 year anniversary at my company. At that point, I become fully vested in my 401k, receive a bunch of unrestricted stock, and become enrolled in the pension. All of this means a lot of money just waiting for me. If I can make it that long. Plus, if I can make it that long, I rationalize, things might be totally better. And, during this time, I'm getting training (and very valuable new job skills) on SAP, our new computer system that has actually made my life such hell since August.

I've been working on my resume and cover letter, getting ready for what is probably inevitable. But, I've lost a lot of self-confidence and motivation. I feel like I was set up to fail, and no matter how hard I tried, I’m doomed to fail. Yes, I said “tried” not “try” because I’ve given up fighting. I’ll continue to do what I can, but I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s been killing me. But, not pursuing what I feel is right is also killing me. I can’t figure out a middle path. And, it makes me so sad to think about leaving this job. It’s been pretty good to me all these years. I’ve enjoyed it. I’m not sure I can believe that I’ll find something I like nearly as much. I feel a sense of loss, too – even though I’m still here every day. Everything has taken such a dramatic turn, and there’s no going back to the way things were.

As time drags by, I’m thinking more and more about just leaving, even though it’s kind of like shooting myself in the foot to leave voluntarily when I could be learning all this great stuff in the next few months and getting an extra chunk of cash at the end of it. But, mental and spiritual health are so important! I’m just so afraid that I won’t be able to pick myself back up again anytime too soon if I do that. I’m afraid I’ll end up crawling into bed with depression.

I’ve thought about going back on my anti-anxiety medicine, but that makes me sad, too. I was doing SO great without it before all this started! I don’t want the side-effects back! But, I admit that I’ve been having lots of mini-panic attacks in the last couple of months since things got bad at work. Mostly at night. I’ve found the best way to handle them is to get out of bed and walk around until they pass. But, I would prefer to not get them at all.

I’m not going to let the blog go. But, in the near-term, I probably won’t be responding to emails or writing new posts. After struggling through 45 hours of this awful job, I just don’t have any energy left to give to you right now. I’m really sorry, everyone. I just wanted to let you know what’s going on.

With love & regret,

Michelle

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