My Eating Disorder Recovery Story and Why You Should Never Give Up
Posted Oct 24 2012 11:27am
In case you haven’t heard my full story, I am going to give you the quick and dirty version.
I am traveling at the moment and it is making me reflect back on what it used to be like and how my life is today… I get goosebumps even thinking about it. I forget sometimes how bad things were, how much I wanted to die and how hopeless I felt each morning.
Full of despair, dread and that sinking feeling that my life would be like this forever – groundhog day in eating disorder hell… can you relate to that?
My eating disorder kicked off when I was 20. I moved to London and went on my first diet. I saw a celebrity on TV that had done it and achieved some incredible results. I did too, but funny enough both she and I also got a special bonus that we didn’t ask for.
An eating disorder.
The reason I know she got it too is because I have actually seen interviews with her speaking out about it. Think Spice Girls. I only mention it openly now because she has actually openly come out with it. Otherwise, I 100% respect people’s anonymity.
That wonderful plan lasted a good 6-9months. I lost a hell of a lot of weight, friends, self esteem, my boyfriend and any desire to connect with people and the world.
It was all about me and my eating disorder.
It would have been low level “hell” if it just stayed there. But it didn’t. Things got ugly. Fast.
I graduated from anorexia to a period of a mixture between restriction and binge eating that had me doing incredibly insane things like:
Ruining food, throwing it in the garbage, then getting it out and eating it
Never eating out with people
Binge eating for days, followed by insane 3 hour sessions at the gym, only to binge again
From there I guess you can pretty much say that if you can think of it, I have done it. I ruined my teeth, all of my relationships, was a sneaky, self hating liar. I had zero self esteem or self worth and the only things on my mind were how I could control my food and how I could lose weight.
A pretty sad way to live your life. The worst part was that every therapist, nutritionist, doctor, shaman, healer, counselor that I went to pretty much told me the same thing: You can never recover completely. The best you can hope for is managing it on a daily basis, through strict eating plans and a whole lot of expensive therapy.
But that wasn’t good enough.
That was NOT freedom.
So I went on a mission to find complete recovery, to get to that place where I could eat what I want, when I want, without and shame or guilt and to love my body.
8 years later, I want to share this with you.
Don’t listen to anyone tell you that you CANNOT do something. This is the number one cause of failure – lack of self confidence and belief in yourself. f I could do it so can you. Period. There is no difference between us.
You CAN recover – no matter how BAD you think your situation is, how long you have had the eating disorder for and how “sick” you think you are.
The ONLY thing that stops you is the BS excuses that you tell yourself and that you hear others telling you. Ignore them and make this your mantra: I’ve got this, I can recover, right here, right now.
But here is the thing – you have to want it.
You have to want it like you want your next breath. Because essentially that’s what it is.