No, I haven't relapsed to bulimia. But, I've realized that I'm completely spiritually out of whack, and I've been letting it just fester and get worse for up to a year now. I'm ruining my health and my relationships and wasting my beautiful life wallowing in terrible thoughts and emotions.
As you know, I basically disappeared from the blog quite a while ago. I thought I had basically said all there was to say on the matter of recovery (maybe I did), and I had become "very busy" with work and my life in general. It occurred to me recently after a couple big fights with Todd that I'm in big trouble here, and I have to get my head straight again - quickly. I'm impatient; I'm judgmental; I'm angry; I'm resentful; I'm depressed; I'm feeling hopeless; I'm JEALOUS. An annoying commute home could send me into an angry pouty mood for the rest of the evening. I started saying again regularly, and meaning it with all my heart, "I hate people."
Once it's started, it's so very easy to just keep on with living life through a fog of upset and negativity. It's a downward spiral that perhaps begins slowly, but if you don't catch it and actively make a commitment to fight it, it takes on speed and momentum.
I got caught in it, my friends, and I allowed it to happen.
I'm not proud of myself. I'm feeling incredibly humbled and embarrassed by all the choices I've made in the last year that have led to this point. But, there's one good thing to say about that nasty downward spiral: eventually (if you're lucky), you hit bottom. Things get so awful and so desperate that you finally are forced to pick yourself up and figure out a way to improve your situation. My bottom was realizing that no matter how hard I've tried NOT to take it all out on Todd, I can't seem to stop myself. My bottom was realizing that 1) I'm completely out of control of my choices again, and 2) I'm hurting and driving away the one person that means the most to me of anyone on this earth.
It started a year ago when there were big changes underway at my old job of 5 years. My easy, comfortable, relatively mindless job got shaken up and basically ended. Rather than go with the flow, I fought it and railed against it and got very, very resentful. Then, when I finally moved on to a new job, I found that I really missed my old easy job and lifestyle. I'm working harder and longer than every. I became very JEALOUS of everyone who doesn't have to work so hard. I highlight the word JEALOUS because, right now anyway, I think that was the dis-empowering choice that started all this.
My jealousy lead to resentment. Resentment led to anger and even to hate. Once you allow yourself to enter hate mode, you, my friend are going down. Way down. And, boy, sometimes hate feels really, really good. You think it's empowering you - strengthening you. But, it really just brings you to your knees. And, the people around you sense it and go running for the hills. And, that feeds your hate. Oh boy, everyone, I hate admitting this to the world. But, I have to. Humility is what I feel is my first step back to recovery.
I have a process that works. It's all documented here in this blog. Hell, I WROTE the blog. But, I chose to turn away from it. I thought I didn't need it anymore. Let this be a lesson to you as well: living a spiritually healthy, beautiful, fulfilling life takes commitment for people like you and me who didn't TRAIN in living this way since we were young. When things get challenging and busy for us is the time we need to work this stuff even harder.
I'm not saying that you need to fear relapse to bulimia all your life. Bulimia is a symptom, a coping mechanism for all the bad interpretations and choices you make. If you draw a line in the sand at the time you realize you've let yourself get spiritually out of whack again, you've still got plenty of time to get yourself straight before the bulimia starts becoming appealing again. But, you've got to commit to doing the work to get your head straight again.
What I am going to do is simply start working the daily exercises again. And, this time I have a very good friend who is going to do it with me. Hi Alyson. She's not bulimic. She simply wants to make big changes in her life and herself, and she "gets" that this process really works.
Last week, we created our first draft (it will change all the time) list of all the traits and characteristics we most admire in other people. The traits we wish we had. This week, we're working that list into an actionable Daily Checklist that holds us accountable for PRACTICING those traits every day. Every night, we will reflect on what we've successfully practiced and what we need to focus on practicing tomorrow. We will also do a nightly Success Journal, where we list the things we're most of proud of ourselves for that day, the things we're most thankful for that day, and what our challenges were.
As we practice and focus and reflect (practice being the most important), we slowly BECOME.
I could link back to where I did these exercises the first time around (everything is in the **Exercises for Recovery** section), but I choose not to. I'm doing it from scratch. It will all reflect where I am today and where I want to go from here.
Why don't you commit to doing it with us? I envision it will take about 2 months of hard core, 6 days per week commitment. After that, we'll scale back to weekly. But, I won't turn away from this again. I've proved to myself that I live my best, most fulfilling and happy life when I continue to practice and reflect on a daily basis on being the person I most want to be.
Now is the time. Let's get it done. Do it with me.