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My Confession

Posted Feb 08 2013 8:04am
I’ve been sick for the past week.  I am having a hard time staying positive.  I haven’t ran in over a month and I haven’t worked out in a week because of this sickness, kid’s sickness, weather, ect.  With all the obstacles, came guilt.  I’ve come to a realization about things and I’ve decided changes needed to be made for my health.

I must confess over the last two weeks or so, I relapse has crept its way into my life.  I put way too much pressure on myself.  Why on earth did I think I could step on the scale once a week in front of the world after recovering from an eating disorder?  I thought I was strong enough.  Turns out, every Tuesday panic would strike me because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t want to be a quitter. But I had had enough and needed to do what was right for me.  As of today, the scale is in the trash and no longer in my life.  It’s trash day today.

You are not the scale

When I started this blog I was stress free, happy, healthy, positive, running every day.  I no longer strived to be emancipated but I  found myself lost in the world of fit girls.  I looked at other blogs everyday and instead of me being happy about their running accomplishments, their blog accomplishments, their great meal ideas, I was jealous of how fit they were.  Instead of being happy with myself, I compared myself to the other girls and thought to myself, “Why would people want to read my blog when they look so much better than me?”

It is something I really need to talk about and something I really needed help with getting passed.   It’s hard not to compare yourself to others.

Why can’t I run races, get fast, cook and eat at my current weight?   There’s no reason I can’t.  I always had it in my head..”I’ll start doing (Insert anything) when I lose weight.”  Why do I do that?  I am happy, I do love myself.  Why am I so afraid of what OTHER people think? No, my blog may not be like every other “fitness” blog out there because I’m not in crazy awesome shape.  Why do I need to be?  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to be in shape.  People work very hard to get their bodies the way they want them.  My problem is, I compare myself and strive to be like others.  Why do I need to focus on that? Why can’t I just focus on running, something I really, really enjoy doing and just let things be? I love trying both new workouts and new food.  Can’t my blog be about that even if I’m not the fittest girl in the world?

I took my motivation page down.  Pictures of this “Fitspiration” were not helping me.  After reading another fitness blog that posted on the subject I found I was not alone. I thought it was healthy for me to want to be fit. I thought I was supposed to want to be that image of “healthy.”  To want to look like those girls in the running pictures, yoga pictures, ect.  Turns out… I was obsessing over them.  I was getting down on myself because I didn’t look like them.  That’s not healthy.  I’ve come to realize that my blog needs to be a place for me.  I don’t need to try to fit in with other blogs.  I need to do things that make me happy, write what I feel, not compare myself, and learn to deal with my emotions.  Easier said than done, I know.  I’m working on it and I think it’s going take some time and a lot of support.

So what do I do now?  My plan is to stay strong. Talk to someone. And focus on my future and my goals.  I have a lot of running goals I want to accomplish and a lot of cooking goals.  That is going to be my focus.  Along with being a good mom of course.

 I’m a big believer of the power of positivity.  Sometimes things get you off track like this sickness did to me this week.  You just have to get right back up again.  That’s what I need to do.

 

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