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More Disordered = False Sense of Happiness?

Posted Sep 10 2012 8:30pm

The more I distance myself from WordPress, the better my mood becomes. There isn’t this black cloud over me every day. I’m not waking up asking myself what majorly disordered thing can I do today that will make for good reading over at WordPress. I’m not compulsively checking my phone looking at how many viewers I have or who’s left a comment. My readership has significantly dropped since I stopped writing daily, and I ain’t even mad, yo.

So, that begs the question. Is distancing myself good or bad in terms of my eating disorder?

Well, when I was consistently writing and running Eating Disorder Memes and Relapsing Anorexic over at Tumblr, I was an emotional wreck. My writing and online activities almost became manic. My health concerns were on the rise; I was always worried I was going to collapse of a heart attack even with the littlest of symptoms. I was overeating and bingeing pretty often, which lead to most of my digestive problems, which lead to laxative and diet pill abuse, which all contributed to my breakdown. My paranoia that my husband would find out I was still engaging in ED behavior was as bad as a meth addict’s, and the guilt over the whole baby thing was taking a huge toll on my well-being AND my marriage.

Now that I’m not consistently writing in WordPress, my emotional well-being has improved greatly. A pressure has been removed to be as disordered as possible. I’m no longer being disordered for my online audience; I’m disordered because I’m disordered (if that makes sense). Because I am no longer compulsively checking all my ED sites, my paranoia is down, and although I still do feel guilt over the pregnancy thing, my better mood has been compensating for that. The bad part though, is that my eating has been terrible. Before, although I was bingeing, when I would try to regain some sense of control, I ate as much fruits, veggies, proteins, and dairy that I could stand in order to limit any physical damage. But now? My safe foods have dwindled down to just four, and I’ve wiped out all veggies and protein. I’m convinced eating them will only lead me back to all the digestive problems I was having before, and I don’t want to go back there. My safe caloric range has dropped down to 399 or less, and by doing this, I’ve managed not to binge now for a couple of weeks (go figure). This has also contributed to my good mood; I no longer go days feeling like shit, both emotionally and physically, from bingeing.

So, with WP I was both emotionally and physically a wreck. Without WP, I’m not. Whether or not I’m more disordered now is a matter of opinion, but I think even if I’m more eating disordered now, whatever is going on, it’s given me a false sense of happiness. Because I honestly do feel happier now. I feel freer. I feel like a normal human being. I don’t feel irritated with my  husband 24/7. I feel more in control.

But that’s the key sentence isn’t it? Now that I’m not engaging in compulsive overeating and bingeing, and because I’ve been able to play the role of “Restricting Type Anorectic” instead of “Binge Eating/Purging Type Anorectic,” I’ve felt on top of the world.

The only thing that has stayed the same, ironically, is my weight (actually, I did manage to gain six pounds during the intense binge cycle, but since then, I’ve lost them again). I’m still maintaining a BMI of 15.8, although if my calculations are correct (which they never are), I’m losing about one pound of real weight a week despite only eating fat-free yogurt, grapes, rice chex, and crackers. But at this point, I’d rather feel what I’m feeling now than pressure myself to reach a goal weight for my blog. There’s nobody to impress anymore (not that I was impressing anyone before).

I can’t imagine things going well for much longer, but if distancing myself from WP means holding onto this liberating feeling, regardless if it’s fake or not, for a little longer, that’s what I’m going to continue to do (and the fact that distancing myself from WP, for some odd reason,  has also made it easier to stave doesn’t hurt).

Now, if I only I can convince myself that entering recovery would give me REAL happiness. Baby steps, I guess.


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