I've been on exercise restriction for the past two months as I try to get my weight back up where it needs to be, and the reality of it is that
this sucks. I really miss exercising. I know I was struggling with an exercise addiction, and that some of this craving is not altogether healthy. But some of what I miss about exercise, I'm coming to learn, has very little to do with exercise itself.
First, let me set the scene of one of my usual workouts. I tied my hair back with a red
bandanna. I wore ankle socks and running shoes. I had my keys, my water bottle, and my
iPod turned on full blast. I started each workout with the same song. I've destroyed my knees and ankles through excessive exercise, but I've also probably ruined my eardrums, too. When I hop on the machine, I was usually edgy, twitchy, frenetic, tense. And then I started pedaling/stepping/walking/running/elliptical-
ing and all of that edginess began to fade into the background. With each step, each push of the pedals, it faded further away. By the end of my workout, those stresses were X hours or X miles away from me.
At the end of my workout, I would let out a deep breath. I could breathe again. I listened to my post-workout song on my walk back to my apartment (I only let myself listen to this song if I completed the entire workout). It was my ritual: song, shower,
PJs.
OCD much?
While I was exercising, I felt untouchable, invulnerable. Not in the sense that nothing could ever happen to me while I was exercising, because I
was voted class klutz in high school. Getting smacked in the face with a kickball in high school gym, such that my braces were jammed into my cheek and had to be yanked out was more than enough to prevent that delusion from ever returning. But untouchable in the sense that nothing could bother me. I didn't have my cell phone, so no one could intrude. The blaring music from my
iPod literally blocked everything else out. I was in
my own little zone in my own little world.
And that is what I miss- the distance from all of the things that are bugging me, that block of time in my day (or blocks of time, to be really honest) when I wasn't constantly obsessing over everything. I sort of loosened the reins on my brain and just let it
wander wherever it felt like. Some of the daydreams were ED-related, but many weren't. Sometimes, I didn't exactly think at all. No one could need my attention because they couldn't get it. I was away from my phone and email and whatever it was could and would wait. All of the stresses, those things I needed to "fix," such as folding the laundry and cleaning Aria's litter box, were somewhere else. However sweaty and stinky and exhausted I was when I was chained to my exercise machines, I wasn't interrupted, I wasn't bothered, and I felt at peace. It was like
Calgon had taken me away.
My cousin's wedding this past weekend was stressful, both
in ways I've mentioned, and ways I haven't. All I wanted to do last night was go for a long, sweaty run and let the pounding of my feet replace the pounding in my head. And I couldn't. So I let the hot water in the hotel shower pound on my back and slow my racing heart, taking deep, raggedy breath after deep, raggedy breath. I felt better after my shower, but it wasn't the same. I had to
take a step off the beaten path.
I know that part of me misses that almost constant movement and my body literally craves a physical outlet for all of my anxiety. And exercise did help me deal with stress in a healthy way at first, and that's what I ultimately want to get back to. In the meantime, I need to find a replacement for all of the non-movement-related things that exercise did for me.
Any suggestions?
First, let me set the scene of one of my usual workouts. I tied my hair back with a red bandanna. I wore ankle socks and running shoes. I had my keys, my water bottle, and my iPod turned on full blast. I started each workout with the same song. I've destroyed my knees and ankles through excessive exercise, but I've also probably ruined my eardrums, too. When I hop on the machine, I was usually edgy, twitchy, frenetic, tense. And then I started pedaling/stepping/walking/running/elliptical- ing and all of that edginess began to fade into the background. With each step, each push of the pedals, it faded further away. By the end of my workout, those stresses were X hours or X miles away from me.
At the end of my workout, I would let out a deep breath. I could breathe again. I listened to my post-workout song on my walk back to my apartment (I only let myself listen to this song if I completed the entire workout). It was my ritual: song, shower, PJs. OCD much?
While I was exercising, I felt untouchable, invulnerable. Not in the sense that nothing could ever happen to me while I was exercising, because I was voted class klutz in high school. Getting smacked in the face with a kickball in high school gym, such that my braces were jammed into my cheek and had to be yanked out was more than enough to prevent that delusion from ever returning. But untouchable in the sense that nothing could bother me. I didn't have my cell phone, so no one could intrude. The blaring music from my iPod literally blocked everything else out. I was in my own little zone in my own little world.
And that is what I miss- the distance from all of the things that are bugging me, that block of time in my day (or blocks of time, to be really honest) when I wasn't constantly obsessing over everything. I sort of loosened the reins on my brain and just let it wander wherever it felt like. Some of the daydreams were ED-related, but many weren't. Sometimes, I didn't exactly think at all. No one could need my attention because they couldn't get it. I was away from my phone and email and whatever it was could and would wait. All of the stresses, those things I needed to "fix," such as folding the laundry and cleaning Aria's litter box, were somewhere else. However sweaty and stinky and exhausted I was when I was chained to my exercise machines, I wasn't interrupted, I wasn't bothered, and I felt at peace. It was like Calgon had taken me away.
My cousin's wedding this past weekend was stressful, both in ways I've mentioned, and ways I haven't. All I wanted to do last night was go for a long, sweaty run and let the pounding of my feet replace the pounding in my head. And I couldn't. So I let the hot water in the hotel shower pound on my back and slow my racing heart, taking deep, raggedy breath after deep, raggedy breath. I felt better after my shower, but it wasn't the same. I had to take a step off the beaten path.
I know that part of me misses that almost constant movement and my body literally craves a physical outlet for all of my anxiety. And exercise did help me deal with stress in a healthy way at first, and that's what I ultimately want to get back to. In the meantime, I need to find a replacement for all of the non-movement-related things that exercise did for me.
Any suggestions?