I realize I have been totally MIA these last few days but since starting program Wednesday my life has consisted of eating, sleep and minimal time to myself. Of course I have thrown in some music, a shower and random household chores, but I swear I have slept more in the past three days than I have in the last year.
This is a fantastic sign that my body is repairing the way it NEEDS, to but I would be lying if I said I did not feel completely lazy and that fat was just layering itself on my body by the second.
(Good thing thoughts and reality are NOT always the same thing )
It was especially difficult hearing, “I noticed you have a cookie every night at dinner…you must really like them…,” this morning as we were doing snack preparation for a lunch I was already not super thrilled to eat.
Yes…I have eaten a cookie every meal since I have started the program, but since I am trying to challenge myself and do away with a negative, black and white thoughts about food, I might as well do it with an item I like and used to consider forbidden, so I will continue to eat a cookie until I tire of them, thank you.
Obviously there has been much more to my days than meals while program is in session; therapy, working to build a new repertoire of coping skills outside physical activity, etc. but the thing I have found most beneficial is just talking with other patients; especially those who are a lot younger than me. and help me realize I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE.
I have battled this for a pretty significant portion of my life…way way way too long if you ask me, and not that I like the saying “YOLO,” but it does have some truth to it.
I wish someone would have told me what a horrible existence ED DOES bring when I was in high school.
I wish someone would have told me PEOPLE can be trusted and are SO MUCH better friends than a mean voice that WILL turn on you and be a complete tyrant at any second.
I wish people would have told me cookies wouldn’t make me gain 6 pounds the second I ate them and that they should always be accompanied by a glass of ice-cold milk because they absolutely taste better that way.
I wish someone would have told me I was WORTH IT and deserved the same happiness I wanted for everyone else.
I realize this post has pretty much no rhyme or reason, but I just wanted to let you know I am alive, well-rested and ready to continue the fight to becoming healthy, happy and whole.
One step at a time, one bite at a time and I will totally be the best CJ ever, as long as I practice patience, self-love and acceptance.
Do yourself a favor and start your weekend by saying one thing you appreciate about the gifts YOU were blessed with…