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Lots Of Questions

Posted Mar 02 2012 4:08am

I saw my nutritionist for the first time in a while yesterday afternoon.

It was a very scattered appointment, due to the expansive amount of time between visits, but also because my head is spinning a million different directions. (What else is new?!)

Let’s be honest here, and say that I have not made much progress in the last week, since the new “plan” was implemented.

Sure I ate some things that are considered fear foods, and gave up a little bit of control, but I did not push myself to reach a 12 on the discomfort scale.

I don’t know if I ever told you about this but my therapist alway said if you are not, on a scale from one to ten, at least a twelve on the discomfort level, then you aren’t working hard enough.

As Ryan pointed out, pretty much anything can be considered a challenge to me, minus maybe lettuce, vinegar and water, so my extreme scary moments are maybe not AS BAD as I make them out to be.

I will give you an example.

Yesterday my husband decided he was going to BRING lunch to me at work; meaning I did not pack and portion anything.

Since sandwiches are quite possibly my favorite genre of food (outside breakfast, of course) he suggested he would pick up Subway.

“I know you will eat the turkey and wheat bread, but what if I got you a slice of cheese?”

“No absolutely not. I won’t eat their cheese…I will have a Laughing Cow Wedge on the side.”

“Ok, what else do you want on it?”

“All the vegetables…no olives, just mustard….the yellow mustard.”

The bread is what terrified me, and normally any sort of cheese, even the Laughing Cow Light, would have been considered a no-no, but this week, in an effort to try some new things, I did pick up a container of these delectable little triangles.

Why had I not tried these sooner because they are AMAZING!!

I didn’t think I liked cheese but, thank you Laughing Cow for opening my eyes. You are again on my list for next week.

Back to the story…

Ryan brought my 6-incher to work and as we chatted and ate he asked how I was feeling.

It really did taste fantastic but my stomach was in knots eating what ED considered “too many carbohydrates”…not from fullness but from anxiety.

And then he picked up the napkin.

Damn you Subway for putting your nutritional statistics right on the freakin’ napkins.

“That is all the calories in that sub?! What is scary about that? You know exactly what is on it, how it is made, and an approximate caloric value, how is this scary?!”

He is right in the sense that the sandwich I had this weekend was a bit more intense than this “horrific undertaking” I claimed as my challenge for the day, but I justified my “extreme attempt” as, “well it is a sandwich and that is something I would not have touched before.”

If I am going to be one hundred percent real with myself; bread is definitely something that is difficult for me, but a small Subway sammy, is not a 12.

I have been doing things like this all week and I am totally ashamed to say that as a wrap up to NEDA.

I had the intention of REALLY pushing myself, with at least one thing a day to maybe get some momentum in my journey of recovery, but as the e-mails trickled in asking how my daily challenges were going, I had to evaluate and admit that they weren’t all that great.

It doesn’t, and shouldn’t have to be an official NEDA week for me to try hard.

Nor should I remain this “comfortable” during my process.

Recovery is all about pressing the limits and defying every rule you once thought had to be followed, so if you think about it, challenges should be faced every, single day. I just seem to be great at making excuses, or convincing myself that I am doing so well, stepping out the box in the biggest way, when I am barely crawling forward.

One of the worst parts is I can proclaim this to all of you, and feel like I am completely motivated to do the right thing, but I still panic when things get too hard, a nutritional statistic seems too high, or a triggering comment is made, and then fall-apart.

I feel as if I live in an alternate universe, where my mind is incredibly warped and out of touch with reality, that I believe I am totally normal, healthy and productive.

I almost wish something would happen, a sign, maybe, to show me that there is a problem and I need to change.

When is that switch going to go off that signals I just need to let go, and life could be better than what I am living right this very second.

I’m waiting! But perhaps this is the lazy way out…another excuse?

Should it become my sole responsibility to get healthy, even if I am not convinced I am THAT sick?

When will I feel that I am worthy of a better life?

Can I please turn my brain off for one second to have a break because I am seriously exhausted.

The weekend couldn’t have come soon enough.

Please tell me what fabulous plans you all have.

On my agenda, be truthful and do something to prove I am committed to me, my family and getting well.


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