I was wrestling with my food demons last night, running through my litany of self-talk. Addressing a chunk of teriyaki steak from a half-eaten Applebees kabob, I said, "I don't need to eat you. I don't want to eat you. You are not bigger than me and can't make me eat you."
(I know, I know. I talk to food.)
Then I had this thought: I have often perceived food, namely my obsession with it, as something bigger than myself. In fact, many things in my world that feel like they are out of my control, beyond my understanding, at odds with my desires or needs, have always been perceived as BIG in my mind's eye.
So I wonder if I made myself physically larger by eating to try to be "bigger" than the problem. The more I struggled with food, the bigger I became. If I was bigger than the problem, then I could beat it.
Now I'm small and I think I finally could be bigger than the problem.