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Inside my head

Posted Apr 21 2011 4:43am

(orginally posted on 3/25 on my blog at www.leadmenot.wordpress.com

 

“Yeeaaah baby! I like it like that…” (Blackout All-Stars, “I Like it Like That”)… I like it because yesterday I managed to intake only 655 calories and this morning, I’m down to 97.4 pounds!

Do you know what I find curious? The first temptation in the bible involved food.

Today started out the way it typically does. I get up and the first thing I do is weigh myself on my little digital bathroom scale. Today, it was my friend because it very kindly showed my 98.0 but I know that little bugger fibs and registers more than my Wii by a solid pound or more, so it’s off to the living room for another weigh in. I weighed myself three times on the Wii today, because I have to be sure. That number is the most important piece of information of the day. And today I’m thrilled to see 97.4.

I have been really restricting the calories for the last few days because I needed to get back to 97. I needed to do it for me. And now that I’m there, I face a decision. Do I up my calories to around 900 a day?

I’m not sure that I can. For one reason, obviously, I still want to lose weight and I can do it more rapidly at 700 calories a day. At 700 calories a day, I can average a weight loss of 2 pounds per week. At 900, it would slow it down to be a little more than 1 pound a week. The second reason it’s a hard decision is, staying between 600 and 700 calories is not easy and you have to use every ounce of will power to fight from losing control, from letting go and binging and inhaling the entire contents of the pantry before the crumbs can hit the floor! After a few days you just get used to feeling hungry, even after you eaten.

Can I tell you that at 700 calories a day, I’m always so hungry and I know that if I jump to 900 I can have just a little more to eat each day. Right now, even after I eat, my hunger is never truly satiated and honestly, it won’t be at 900 either. The last time I felt full was two weeks ago during my birthday weekend. The time before that was Thanksgiving because it too consisted of several days of over indulgences (namely Pumpkin Cheesecake from Olive Garden).

So my dilemma is, do I bump the caloric intake up to 900 and undo my great progress of having gotten used to subsisting on 700 calories a day or stay where I am? I know what you all would tell me to do…I just wish you knew how hard it is. I should know by now that going up to 900 calories a day won’t cause me to gain weight. At least, it shouldn’t and that is where I freak out. I know that adding those 200 calories will slow the numerical descent and might even reverse it for a couple of days. But like I have told you, in my state of mind, everything counts.

Because I have been toying with the decision to up my intake all day I bought myself a package of fresh dinner rolls to celebrate my success. I planned to come home and rip that bag open and have at least one, with warm butter melting into it. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Maybe tomorrow I can because right now, I’m still just too afraid to up my intake. Also today, I spend a combined total of at least 2 hours playing with numbers trying to figure out how to fit one 90 calorie dinner roll into a 700 calorie meal plan.

Dinner Rolls, Fried Chicken, Carrot Cake, Pumpkin Cake, Peanut Butter anything…these are a few of my favorite things and I would give anything if I could just…

But please God, I’m so afraid. Please don’t let me gain weight!

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