I originally wrote/posted this March 19, 2011 on my blog site but I am reposting it here to get my Wellsphere blog going.
Confession – this is the third time I’ve endeavored to start and maintain a blog. The difference this time? Hopefully, my determination. I’m hoping to be as determined to keep a blog as I have been with my weight loss, which is the entire point of this blog.
Where do I start? Well, I guess at the beginning…all of my life I have been thin, it was the universal truth about me. Whether you liked me or hated me in school, you couldn’t deny I was thin. “That skinny &^*) I hate her!”, could be said in love by my friends or hatred by my enemies, but it was the universal truth of my life! And I loved it! I loved being thinner than my friends, I loved that I could eat ANYTHING and stay thin!
But it became my identity…now, 20+ years later when I realized I am no longer the thinnest in the group, I found myself looking into the mirror and thinking, “where is Susan?” and worse, “what are you now?” If I’m not thin, what am I? In life I was never told I was, but I was certainly told what I wasn’t. I wasn’t pretty, beautiful, funny, talented, good at something. The only thing I was ever told repeatedly, that had any commendation was, “you are thin”. It became my identity.
For the last few years, especially since I had a baby at 36, I’ve been wanting to lose a few pounds but lacked…what, gumption? drive? I think my trouble is, it takes a while for me to make a decision, but once I do, I am committed as whole-heartedly as I can be .
Last year, in April, without even really thinking about it, I determined to lose weight. I downloaded a handy calorie counter app and started on my way.
I’ve been dieting regularly for nearly a year. I started at 133lbs in late April, 2010.
I now weigh 97lbs.
And I’m terrified to eat.
I’m terrified to gain weight and I want to lose more…my goal is to be 90lbs.
My original title of this blog was going to be “Please God Don’t Let Me Gain Weight!” And through out this journey that I am dragging you on, it will be my mantra. I want to share my struggles with you…why? I guess in hopes of finding myself and helping you find you too. I see so many women, each of them beautiful simply because they are a woman! But I hear them lament about their weight and I know, God do I KNOW what they think about themselves and how they feel about their looks because I have been there and I am there! I know they look at me when they talk about their weight and I can tell they wish they could be this thin…but if they only knew.
Today is another day, another dawn and please God, please don’t let me gain weight today…