So many things are messed up. Dealing with my recurrent health problems on top of filing for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy (aka getting rid of our credit card debt), the holidays, and having my schedule continuously changed because of my husband and kids being home, I keep eating to escape all the negative feelings I’ve been experiencing, the depression, the hopelessness, and the loss of control. I haven’t felt this way in a while, and I honestly feel depressed. These past two years I’ve been able to really skate by without feeling too horrible, but for the first time in a very long time shit keeps piling on top of shit and I feel trapped beneath it all, unable to get out unless I’m eating.
I’m now at a weight I haven’t been at since July of 2011 (eight pounds up from my lowest weight). And the worst part is it is noticeable. I no longer see prominent bones. My thighs are inching closer together. I see my arms getting bigger. And it’s embarrassing and defeating.
I feel so ashamed. And I’m mad at everything. I don’t want to get up in the morning. And I’m so alone in it all. I literally feel like I have nobody to turn to to talk about it, because it’s inevitable that their first and only response will be, “Well, recovery is always there if you want it.” And that’s not the support I’m looking for, because sometimes I just want somebody to listen, to tell me it’s normal and that I’m okay and that although it sucks right now, it won’t forever.
But I don’t have that right now. I just want everyone and everything to go back to normal. Wake up, go to work, sit around, come home, eat one meal, sleep. Why can’t it be that simple anymore?