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Illusions of an Anorexic.

Posted Oct 01 2008 5:08pm
This is a picture I drew while in treatment this last time. It's how I would visually describe anorexia. It honestly feels like there is a little demon in my head whispering to me constantly about how fat, ugly and stupid I am. It tells me I could be so much better if only I were thinner. It distorts my image in the mirror so all I can see is my fat everywhere! It binds my mouth so that I may not eat no matter how much I want to. Some people believe anorexics do not want food, I want it though. When my friends are sitting around eating donuts, cookies and chips like normal college students do, I want to join them so badly. I want a donut more than you could even imagine, but something bad will happen if I eat it. My little demon tells me how fat that donut would make me, how if I ate it, I would be required to purge. I hate purging and I really am trying to recover, so purging just isn't an option. So I don't eat the donut. But by not doing so I exclude myself from bonding with my friends. Why is it that we Americans feel as if we must bond with food. Food is always involved. Why can't we just go to the movies and skip dinner, or popcorn? Why must eating always be involved in every single date? If they wouldn't take me out to eat, I would be so much more fun. Instead we eat first and then I am freaking out the rest of the night. I am in recovery! This should not be so hard. I ate donuts in the center, I ate cheesecake, I never purged! Not even 3 months out of treatment I am back to cutting foods from my diet. I just want to be normal and enjoy life. If socializing involves food and eating, then I want that too. But I can't because then I will not be thin. Here a dialogue between my eating disorder and my head. Me:"Oh yum, I love donuts, I want one!" Ed:"NO! NO! NO! You hate donuts, remember? They make you fat!" Me:"But they look so good, just half maybe?" Ed:"NO! You are not allowed, you don't eat donuts, you cannot have them!" Me:"Then maybe just a bite? I almost can't remember the way they taste anymore." Ed:"You stupid fat girl, you pig, if you take one bite you will eat the whole thing. You must not even have a bite, if someone sees you eating that donut, they will think less of you. Anyway you don't even like the taste of donuts." Me:"Right, no, I must not even have a bite. The carrot sticks looked better anyway." A part of me is so innately obsessed with being thin. I have been since I can remember. When I walk, I can feel the fat under my bra strap jiggle. When I talk I can feel the fat on my cheeks and lips jiggle. It makes it embarrassing to talk in front of others. That can't be normal. I am fighting so hard for a life of normalcy, but the harder I fight it feels like the farther I sink into oddities. I was praying the other night, I wanted to relapse, I was planning on it but I just wanted to inform Heavenly Father about it first. While I was informing him I heard very distinctly "You will die!" I don't know if that was my imagination, but it scared me half to death. I know I have been having chest pains again, and my heart has been fluttering, but I have just been trying to ignore it. A part of me believes if I ignore it, then it's not really happening. If I don't get an EKG again, then it won't say I am having heart problems again and if a machine doesn't confirm it, then these chest pains are a figment of my imagination. But that is precisely why I am scared. If I just ignore it, the more I am likely to allow for a relapse. If I relapse then I will die. I almost did this last time, I know my heart isn't strong enough to handle it again. I just don't know what to do. Live and stay fat or die, thin and beautiful. There seems to be more pride in a skeletal death. Only I would find pride in that though. It's sick and sadly disturbing that this is such a difficult choice to make. 
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